Now, I know that y’all are freaking SICK of hearing about BlogHer this past weekend, but it was such a major personal learning experience for me that I feel as though I would be careless not to share it with you, particularly in regards to my last What IF Wednesday post about truly valuing myself as a writer.
While I was at BlogHer, I experienced low self esteem the likes of which I never thought I would ever see again.
I felt small and out-of-place. I felt incredibly lonely. Most of all – I felt bad about my body.
I reverted back to the high school Marzipan – nervous, constantly feeling the need to apologize for my size and the amount of space I take up in a room, feeling like absolutely no one liked me for real, and that everyone was just being nice by hanging out with me.
I felt awful.
And the craziest part? I thought that I had kicked those old habits for good.
It is amazing how, even when you know that you are worthy and interesting, that being by yourself in a new environment, surrounded by 2,500 women, many of whom are far more successful than you AND better dressed, that you begin feeling stupid and useless and sad all the time. It is also amazing how standing up against the prospect of truly extending yourself, making yourself vulnerable, digging deep, and just introducing yourself to new people – you can feel unbelievably intimidated.
Small fish in a BIG pond.
Stupid.
Silly.
Ugly.
Worthless.
It was everything that I could do not to hide in my hotel room all weekend and pretend it wasn’t happening.
But? It was. It was really happening. All around me, people were making connections, laughing and having fun with one another, exchanging cards, meeting their blog heroes, and pitching themselves left and right. I was doing the best that I could to stay afloat and resist curling into the fetal position.
I tried to remember all of the things that I tell myself about being the most amazing person in the room, faking it until you make it, loving yourself regardless of your size – but I felt like a mess in my flip flops in a sea of stilettos.
The truth is? When you are prone to a negative self image, you have to work twice as hard in moments of uncertainty, and it is just not easy. You have to remember why you are there, and that you are worth just as much as everyone else. You have to buckle down, turn up your mega-watt smile, and dig really, really deep – all while surviving on very little sleep and a flurry of activity.
Needless to say, I was at the center of my own personal vulnerability Perfect Storm. The elements were all there, lined up, ready to prey upon my insecurities, and I was reminded of all of the things that I work for, with the blog and in my real life, everyday.
And truly, I made some wonderful connections. When I forced myself to move without thinking or second guessing – I had a great time. When I just introduced myself to people, extending myself to them and secretly begging them to love me, often they did.
But, I cannot lie to you and tell you that it was easy. Being there was one of the most difficult personal challenges of my life. Â And I was terrified.
Luckily – I made some friends. And I am unbelievably grateful for you guys – you picked me up and included me when I was on the brink of a panic attack and allowed me to go to parties with you, sit next to you, smile and wave when I came across you in the hallways. And for that, I cannot thank you enough. This team of awesomeness includes (but is in no way limited to): Fitarella, Mandy from Harper’s Happenings, Morgan from the818, Amy (my wonderful roommate), Alex of Late Enough, Beth from Bethysmalls, Fuck Yeah Motherhood, The Next Martha, Jill of Babies Rabies, Mae from Parenting in Progress, Heir to Blair, the Unlikely Mama, Mrs. Jenna from Blogged Bliss, and Elly from BugginWord.
Highlights? Pedicab and dinner with Fitarella – best night ever. Jenny the Bloggess smelling my hair, proclaiming it to be the BEST smelling hair in the world, and forcing everyone else (in the bathroom – where else) to smell it too. Hanging at the bar with Mandy. SPARKLECORN and CheeseburgHer (I mean, come on! Cheeseburgers? At midnight – dream come true). Chatting with Katja on the train home. Receiving a fancy We-Vibe from Sandra of Toy with Me.
All in all – so very grateful that I went, even if only to realize how many demons I still have lurking deep down, and the reminder that I need to love myself just a little bit more than I realized when I’m feeling vulnerable and terrified.
Have you ever been in a situation like this? How did you find the confidence and strength? Tips? Tricks?
I think more people feel like you then you realize. I know I still struggle with the same self doubt.
That being said, I’m so sad we only met in passing!! I would have loved to chat more with you!!
Roni recently posted..Sick Day
Aw, I LOVE flip-flops! And I’m so glad we are friends and that I helped you feel apart of. Because you were! And you helped me so much too. Just by being nice and inclusive and awesome.
PS. I think that we didn’t get a picture together. I guess we need to hang out again soon
Alex@LateEnough recently posted..My Son Has A Bigger Blog Than Me Formerly Do Not Drive And Pretend To Tweet
We DIDN’T get a picture together. Notice how there are no pictures in this post? That’s because I don’t have a camera. LAME. Will be fixed by the next time I see you, I swear ; )
Oh and my tip…. just remember no one KNOWS you feel that way unless you tell them. They can’t read your mind, I swear!
Roni recently posted..Sick Day
HA! So true. And yet? I spill my guts to the internet. But, afterall, I did learn from the best – hint hint wink wink, and I did learn some pretty epic lessons in the depths of all of that loneliness. AND, bonus, I will definitely be at fitbloggin. Really looking forward to a smaller, more intimate conference. Very, very exciting.
Wow, Mara. It sounds like it kind of sucked but that you have turned it into an opportunity to fine tune your own personal self worth and finding your tribe.
Of all of the posts I have read, and read, and read about BlogHer, I must say, this is the one that will stick.
The truth and the lesson, I love it.
<3
Christie {Honoring Health} recently posted..reader request The Validation of Counting
I bet you were NOWHERE near alone in feeling that way. That is so awesome that you still put yourself out there and went. What a great experience
You ARE so worthy of making all of those connections!
You are the bravest woman alive. Do you know that? Do you have any idea how I admire you? Do you?
I forget sometimes to come over here and tell you that. I don’t blog about this stuff. OK, maybe a tiny bit, but I code it a little because I’m not ready to be naked in that way. I’m naked in many ways, but not that way.
You know what I want to do now, right? I want to give you a Bad Ass Award. Yes, I do. It’s all lovely in its stringlessness and you completely deserve it.
http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/nps-bad-ass-blogger-award
First off, I enjoyed meeting you.
It was hard, really hard, to get past the idea that I’m not the target market for BlogHer. I’m not a mom (never will be) and I focus on diabetes blogging (though I have a personal small blog). I go for the sessions and not the swag and sponsors.
Between last year and this, that feeling didn’t change, although finding more women like me helped.
Rachel recently posted..Days of Grace- 300-365
I’m experiencing the sama thing as you but in my new school. The “old” me is screaming inside and I’m scared that people won’t like me. Thanks for your advice.
I felt EXACTLY the same way (see my tweet about #lonelyher). Glad we met though, wish we had met earlier!! Hopefully those of us you did meet can convince you to go again next year… ?
I think any time anyone gets in a situation with unknown people, especially WOMEN you don’t know, every single inadequacy felt since high school is dwelled upon. I kept having to check myself and say “everyone here is just like you, thinking the same way you are.” And even if they weren’t, it helped.
I loved meeting you too! We were a party force to be reckoned with.
Mrs Jenna recently posted..So- THAT happened…
Wow, I’m still processing this post. As you point out, it’s amazing, in a heartbreaking and panic-inducing kind of way, to have all those feelings of insecurity, those ones you’ve spent years battling and think you’ve conquered, come rushing back. I’m quite sure I would have had the same experience had I attended. In fact, I felt a small sense of that NOT attending. It wasn’t really an option for me to be able to go, and reading everyone’s posts and tweets about it, I started to feel like a grade-schooler who wasn’t invited to the cool party. It’s really funny (not in a ha-ha way!) how those feelings can be triggered. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly about your experience.
omg, I felt the same way! not actually because of my body image thing exactly, I have a negative image of myself as a person. and just because of the overwhelming feelings like you felt. all the same! I thought I was the only one, and to be honest, I didn’t meet as many people as I would have liked because of fears…how silly! I didn’t wear stiletto’s that is for sure
and I bet some in stiletto’s felt awkward too. I wanted to say all of this…and I was scared of sounding silly so thank you. it was courageous!
I hope you got something out of this….
by the way, i could have met up with you since I was following you on twitter before blogher….
Well, let me just say you carried yourself fabulously. I had no clue you were feeling that way and thought you were gorgeous. It was wonderful meeting and hanging out with you! I admit, I certainly had moments of insecurity, as well, but I think everyone did. We were all in the same boat in that respect, I think, and that, in some way, gave me some comfort. Thank you for being so kind to ME. You made me smile
Jill @BabyRabies recently posted..Some Notes For Next Year- my FINAL blogher10 post
Thank you soooo much for posting this! I felt very much the same! I didn’t know I could be so surrounded by people yet feel so alone. It made me question why so many others found friends so easily after so little effort when I tried so hard and was constantly excluded. It was so tough to put a smile on my face and fight through it and not let it ruin the experience. Towards the end I met some wonderful people and I did a lot of things on my own that were really good for me, I think, to grow as a person. I learned some valuable lessons but it’s nice to know I wasn’t the only one who felt as though it didn’t matter that I was even there. *hugs* to you! Next year let’s make sure that doesn’t happen. We’ll have each other!
Oh, you gorgeous girl, I had no idea you were feeling so insecure. And I was totally wearing flip flops too. Plus my feet were all dirty – it was gross.
I am so beyond happy to have met you. You’re beautiful. You’re brilliant. You’re amazing.
So. Very. True. You WERE wearing flip-flops. IDENTICAL flip flops. Yeah that made the highlight reel too. Hilarious.
I LOVE you. I had no idea that’s how you were feeling. Man it was a rough deal huh? I mean I feel like I’m pretty social and confident and a few times I had to remind myself “balls to the wall” Most nights I ended up in my room by 1am when I’m pretty sure a lot of people were still out. You are fabulous, beautiful, and wonderful. If you ever need a reminder. Just let me know.
WELL. It wasn’t all horrible – but did play pretty specifically to my insecurities. That said, it was just so HUGE. But you are so fabulous and one of my FAVORITE moments of the whole weekend was when we met in the lobby and I thought you were so excited because you thought I was The Next Martha. Oy. Just get a little anxious sometimes, but it’s good for the blog, you know, keeps me in topics to write about ; )
Oh, lady. I wish luck would have struck, so that I could have hung with you. Because I felt the same way. Exactly the same. I did my best “fake it til you make it” but even that wasn’t up to snuff. I almost got to the point of at least ignoring those feelings, but life got in the way.
Anyway, my point is – I felt like that too. I hope we’ll be able to meet one day, where we’ll reassure each other of our awesomeness.
@Lastminutemandy recently posted..A paritally true BlogHer recap
Your are beautiful inside and out, it was a pleasure spending Saturday with you!
BTW sorry I told you that you smelled like a raver
It’s just a phrase I say when I see someone dancing who looks like they used to go out to parties “I smell a Raver” is a term of endearment…hehehe.
That said, I soooooo understand what you were feeling. Even more so now that I’m seeing photos of myself from the conference and gasping. ACK! I’m not comfortable in my body at all, having a baby changed me (that and all the cake that I partake in while sitting on my ass at home with my kid, ha). Even still, when I was thin…I was unhappy with how I looked.
I hope it brings you a little peace that most others are so caught up in how they look, that they barely notice any of your flaws. At least that’s what I like to tell myself. Makes me able to leave the house a little more often ;D
I’m so very happy that we met, and that I now get to read your blog. A topic I really need to dive into these days. Thank you for being you…and writing these thoughts down for all of us!!
You are beautiful and brilliant. Thank you for being there and spending time with an even littler fish like me. xox
i’m in that exact situation as I type…at a seminar/networking event now and reading blogs on my phone!!! too scared to yalk to anyone…
Kate Sins recently posted..The birthday cake ritual is starting…
Ah!! Kate! Networking is scary, right? I’m sure that you are totally wonderful and charismatic and that all of those people are just waiting to meet you. Hope it went well! xoxo