Today, I am moving to Boston.
I will tell you – I am  scared.
So today, instead of allowing myself to stew in my fears, I’m going to participate in a little project wherein I just lay all of my fears out there, thereby getting them out of my head and my heart so that I can move forward.
I remember a year ago – I was just starting to look at grad schools and start the long application process. I remember feeling inadequate and unworthy, and that I was just throwing myself out on a limb only to fall and burn. I thought that I was setting myself up for disaster.
Back then, MM was a teensy tinsy blog that no one, besides some of my sweet friends, read.
And I would sit and write down everything I loved and was scared of, and each and every time, say a prayer that someday someone would care about what I had to say.
Then, slowly but surely, I got into all those programs that I applied to. I was astonished. I chose the program that made the most sense and fit my lifestyle (and relationship). I paid the deposit. I told everyone I was going. I even signed a lease on an apartment.
But I never really believed that I was going.
There is a clear pattern in my life for how I tend to deal with things that give me major anxiety – usually events that circulate around humongous change. I tend to first talk about them a lot, as if each time I say out loud, “I’m going to grad school in the fall,” it becomes a little bit more real, and I feel a little bit more courageous.
But in the days leading up to my departure, I always  seem to kind of just black out. I put one foot in front of the other. I cross things off my to do lists. I pack up my belongings. I do everything as if I am on autopilot, neither excited nor frightened about the massive life change I am embarking on.
This pattern has allowed me the ability to overcome some truly amazing odds and accomplish all sorts of feats.
Before, when I allowed myself to become bogged down with insecurity and anxiety, my ability to move forward was entirely crippled. I allowed my fear to get the best of me, pinning me to the floor, and securing me there. But now, it’s not that I’ve come to embrace change, I’m definitely not the type of, “How EXCITING! An adventure! I wonder what’s going to happen next?!” kind of girl.
I don’t particularly care for adventure.
But this is a relatively exciting time for me. I am moving to a city for the first time in my life. I have my first real apartment (that C and I haven’t moved into together). I am starting a program that will allow me to pursue all of the things that I am really passionate about, and hopefully allow my to support myself (and my hypothetical family) in the future.
Also, this blog is doing just wonderfully. Seriously. And for that, I really have to thank all of you. You show up, you read the things that I write, and you provide me with love and support on a routine basis.
And I am very grateful.
xox
Im not good with change either.
It’s hard to tell that, looking at the 27 house moves and 3 country moves and all the travel. But I don’t really like it. It stresses me.
And yet.
Sometimes things change, and we have to change to accommodate them.
Yay you!
<3
You rock, my friend.
Christie {Honoring Health} recently posted..What Ails me
I can so relate to the mixture of fear and excitement. What an amazing and life-altering step this will be. Remember that all of your loyal readers are 100% behind you and think you are truly incredible! Good luck with the move and don’t forget to breathe.
Ashley @ Nourishing the Soul recently posted..People- places- things – Identifying triggers
I can also relate to the mixture of fear and excitement. I think the step you are taking is amazing and I look forward to hearing about the new life your creating.
Sending you all my positive and happy thoughts. I believe in you kid!! I’m rooting for you!!
you’re doing it. you’re a brave and amazing woman. and you’re gonna kick ass and take names in boston.
steff (steffsays) recently posted..Recipe Time- Vegan Red Lentil Dal
Very good advice (as usual). And you are going to love it, I’m sure. Boston rocks!
Ms. Moran recently posted..HUGE comeback
Just when I was starting to make plans to visit you in Provincetown. Dammit.
You are going to OWN Beantown, sister. OWN IT.
You will most definitely rock that town.
Love to you!
Marian recently posted..declanism
I’ve been reading your blog for months but this is the first time I’m commenting, and I just have to say I relate SO much to what your saying about change. I started my senior year in college today, and this whole week was extremely anxious. But you have a GREAT head on your shoulders, and your pursuing your dreams and living the life you want!!! so admirable. Good luck
Kim recently posted..Back to schoooool- backkkk tooo schooool
Hi Mara,
It’s Marissa from COW! I read your blog, too, like the girl above, and have never commented. I just want to tell you that I am going through a similar experience right now. I finished my MFA in May and have been searching for a job since then. I applied all over the place, and was just offered a teaching position at a school that’s two hours away from where I live. I’m married, with cats and dogs, and I don’t want to move. But it would be the start of a real career finally, and I feel like I’ll regret not taking the chance. And I have to decide whether or not im going by tomorrow morning.
I’m glad you already made your decision, and I hope you can lend me some of that strength to make mine.
Love the blog, love your writing. Take care.
Oh congrats on your new adventures! And your awesome blogging and in general, change, which is goof for the soul. Also good for the soul. Wow.
Tara recently posted..Where I Catch You Up- Make Plans for a Hand Job and Crash Cars
I thought I didn’t like adventure either – now I force myself to do it every week.
Here’s the deal about Boston – IT IS AMAZING! The people are kind, it is clean, you will never NOT have an activity to do, the men are hot. You will love it!
Take a walk in Boston Common your first day or just walk down Common wealth, in the path in the middle of the street – MAGIC.
And new beginnings are magic too!!!
100 days in bed recently posted..Adventure Bowl Change Somebodys Life