I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.
In fact, I have a love/hate relationship with a lot of social media, as documented here, but Facebook is the worst.
The background information: I grew up in a very small town. When I was in fifth grade, I was very popular. I was invited to all the parties. I had sleepovers with the other cool girls every weekend. I was cool too. In sixth grade? In sixth grade, a girl who I thought was my best friend told all of the other girls in this very small school [graduating class of 25ish people] that I had said some horrible things about them. The cool girls? They dropped me over night. Everyone dropped me over night. I was persona non grata.
I was all alone. I hated myself. I prayed every single night that all of my friends would like me again. I developed really bad insomnia, and the only way that I could fall asleep was listening to A Wrinkle in Time. Those girls tortured me every single day. I stopped going to school.
Flash-forward to current day: These girls want to be my friends on facebook. Now, to be fair, at some point they did stop hating me so much, and we started hanging out again. But, I never forgot how quickly they went away, or how much I hurt. As an adult, I expect people to be talking behind my back – being nice to my face and then talking about how much I suck when I walk away. As an adult, I have to remind myself again and again that this is not sixth grade. I have found my tribe. I am loved. I deserve to be loved.
But at this moment, I have 17 friend requests that are awaiting a response. As an adult, I thought that I had moved on, worked through it, gotten over it. However, I keep finding myself freaked out whenever I think about the fact that those girls want to be my friend on Facebook when they never wanted to be my friend in real life. In my mind, I feel like I already know what they are going to say: OMG she’s still so FAT, embarrassing! And she. is. engaged. to. a. WOMAN! WTF! Disgusting! And she’s still a total know-it-all. HAHAHAHAHAAHAA.
Why do I think that they are going to respond like that? Why is that my go to feeling? What hidden shame and discomfort do I have about my life am I projecting onto this experience? What is the probability that they have grown up, and that they are just wondering what I’m up to?
Why do I still hold onto their rejection?
What do you guys think? Do you accept any and all friend requests on Facebook? Are there people in your life that you don’t want to let back in?
Also, please refer to the photo above for reason # 12934939349373 why this makes me very, very nervous. I’m sharing it with you (even though it is mortifying) because I LOVE MYSELF and I am not interested in holding onto any shame.
And that friend request box? I just accepted all of their friendships, because I would not be me if I did not shut my fears down, offer kajillionth chances, or hold myself accountable when I feel like running and hiding.