So, yesterday I was perusing the fabulous blog Yum & Yuck, a site with the epic tagline: “There are only two mantras, yum and yuck, mine is yum” (Tom Robbins). I recommend that you check it out ASAP. As I was scrolling through the site, I found this graphic in the sidebar:
Wow. My initial reaction was a little voice in the back of my head that said, Um.. is it REALLY ok for me to have everything that I want? What about the really scary big stuff? What about the dreams so huge that I don’t ever, ever talk about them out loud? What about the stuff that I’m not “qualified” to have? What about the stuff that I don’t think I deserve?
What ABOUT the stuff that I don’t think that I deserve?
You’ll often find people who will talk about having lost a lot of weight, and still retaining the “fat kid” mentality. This mentality can be summed up: No matter how much weight I lose, in my mind I’m still fat.
Now when you’re in recovery from a lifetime of fear, mistrust, low self-esteem, deplorable body image, and lack of confidence, the laundry list of things that “you don’t deserve” is so huge it can feel like you’ll never get out from under it. I remember, back in the Dark Days, spending an enormous amount of time thinking about how great my life would be, if I could just ________.
This blank varied from day to day, often entirely dependent on the size of my jeans/thighs/waist. I like to say that I spent the first twenty-three years of my life holding my breath, and it’s really true. I didn’t permit myself to dream ANYTHING out loud. I didn’t think I deserved the space that I took up in a room.
I spent the majority of my days curling up, making myself small, being agreeable, minimizing my thoughts, and trying not to rock the boat. I spent the majority of my days praying that no one would realize how fat I was. Now, please remember than in this particular instance, “fat” was a frame of mind. I was “fat” no matter how fat or skinny I actually was.
I was “fat”, and “fat” meant: unworthy, unlovable, unsuccessful, grotesque, stupid, plain, frizzy-haired, pizza-faced, pathetic, and self-pitying. The idea of being “fat” circled around me, and cut me off from the rest of the world. By the time that I was 16, the idea of “fat” had built up gigantic walls around me, and I could barely breath without wondering what someone else was thinking about me.
I was consumed by my own self-loathing, and I thought I deserved nothing.
My favorite part about my journey towards self-love and radical self-acceptance, is that I am breathing again. I am dressing up. I am loud. I built this site, and I filled myself up with as much bravery, honesty, and authenticity as I could possibly muster – in an attempt to record my travels here. I had to start from the ground up. This type of journey does not complete itself over night.
That little voice still exists in the back of my mind, wondering what I truly deserve, wondering if I am worthy, and wondering if the rug is going to pulled out from underneath me if I am not careful.
But I am here to tell you:
Please don’t forget that. xoxo
This is my first visit here and I loved it! Thank you for being so fresh and raw and honest. I struggled with body image and an eating disorder in my teen years. And while I’m not the “perfect” size a lot of my body issues are if not healed, then better. And yet, those old feelings can still linger. I’m not enough, I don’t deserve, etc. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not the only one and that life is good. I, too, am learning to live large and step into my power. Thank you!
Thank you! And WELCOME. Please let me know if there are any topics you’d like to see covered or any burning questions you have. xoxo
Thanks my dear.
Shannon Blogs recently posted..Just thought you should know …
Amazing post. It’s so true that self-love is a journey, and those voices that tell us we aren’t deserving never completely go away (or that is my experience so far). We have to override them with conscious positivity.
Vanessa recently posted..On Dark Girls and the Impacts of Lookism
Love this! And you Do deserve to have EVERYTHING you can imagine for your self!
Katie @ Be Extraordinary Today recently posted..How They Did It
Awesome! And so true.
Thank you for sharing, and congrats for having come such an interminable difference in your healing: it helps to heal the world!
love
Ela
Ela recently posted..Monotony with Treats Again-the Good Parts-and Strength to Deviate
I can’t begin to tell you how much I adore this post! When I finally started telling myself that it was fine for me to be who I am, to take up all the space that I need and to speak my truth, my life started changing dramatically. These days I EXPECT miracles. And I get them!
Hanlie recently posted..Roundup of the Week – 21-52 of 2011
Hanlie, I love that – EXPECT miracles. I’m going to write that down and post it on my wall. It is the perfect reminder.
Such a beautiful and difficult thing to learn. And even when you do start to believe it, you have days where you forget. Having the mindset of “I deserve everything I want” is a magical place, though. Practice keeping it, and you’ll immediately start seeing the truth of it.
Ellie Di recently posted..57- Do the Taxes Right
Thank you Ellie : )
I LOVE THIS POST.
You are a beautiful writer, and judging from the way you write? A beautiful person, natch.
Ali Dubrow recently posted..Loving Lately- v1
Eghads, thank you Ali!! What lovely compliments…
Great post, and so glad you like my blog! Thanks for the shout out
Yes indeedy! You do deserve ABSOLUTELY everything! Because you are awesome!! I spent the good part of this morning reading the Jillian Michaels “Unlimited” book that we got at Fitbloggin,’ and it’s basically the same message. I love it. (and you)
Foodie McBody recently posted..Calling All Zumba-Phobes!!
yes yes yes!! this is so hard for me to deal with most of the time feeling capable yet unworthy of success. thank you. and you, my dear, are oh so worthy of everything you want as well!!
steff (steffsays) recently posted..Steff is Missing in Action
This is spot on. After dealing with low self-esteem and body image issues for so long, all I used to want was a normal, everyday life. I wanted to be just like everyone else – just so that I could stop suffering. Now that I’m on the road to recovery, I realize that I don’t want to be like everyone else – I want my own incredible journey. I want to have an extraordinary life.
It’s amazing (and devastating) how self-deprecation can squash huge dreams. No more!
Jessie Rose recently posted..Coming out of the crazy closet
Love it, love you, love the ongoing inspiration! And I agree that it is our own fear, false humility, and self-limiting thoughts that make the difference between flying and creeping. Thank you for the reminder!
Ann Becker-Schutte recently posted..Life is Pain- So then What
Thank you. Just, thanks.
good LORD you are such a force of light in this world, oh Marzipan.
DONT
CHANGE.
Miz recently posted..Join me for breakfast giveaway post
Thank you for this beautiful reminder. It’s a tough thing to remember. When these nasty little thoughts pop up that say ‘hey, who do you think YOU are to want such big things?!’. I have to beat them down like whack-a-mole. I do deserve those big things, and all the small ones too. And so do you!
“I was “fat” no matter how fat or skinny I actually was.”
Oh how I relate to that feeling!! Well, not so much any more
I love this post. I was brought up to believe that I couldn’t have everything I wanted AND that by wanting, I was selfish AND that the only way to get what I wanted was through some incredibly hard and painful process….it meant changing who I am, because who I was didn’t deserve what I wanted.
I’m glad I finally figured out that isn’t the case
!
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..The World Peace Diet
Thank you for this! I’ve wavered back and forth throughout my life, sometimes feeling like I deserved nothing, and other times feeling like I deserved a lot but that I was selfish for even thinking that thought. I constantly need to remind myself that self-respect and self-love is a beautiful – and not selfish – thing.
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self recently posted..Through the Eyes of a Child- A Look at Fat Hate in Children’s Books
Yes indeed! It’s such a tough path sometimes, because our insides can block us from all sorts of stuff. I’m just not well enough to “think” or “feel” my way towards feeling worthy of abundance. Sooo – I just act as if…. What would it look like if I felt as though I deserved all this? And then I do it… actions… it’s uncomfortably because it RAMS UP AGAINST some beliefs… but eventually the insides shift.
And yes – you do deserve everything
xoxo
Kris @Krazy_Kris recently posted..Girls Night Out – Not Exactly What I Was Expecting
I really identify with this. I never used the word “fat” to encompass my insecurities, I think it was more the word “weird” or “stupid” or something like that. I’ve just always felt below-average and not good enough for the attention or time of others. Friends have told me I apologize too much.
I’ve been working on it though. It took me a while to realize what was amiss, exactly, but now that I’ve identified the root thought pattern, I’m trying to change it. It’s still hard sometimes. Whenever things seem to be too good or going really well, when I really start accomplishing things I want or when things start happening exactly the way that I envisioned, I get really nervous that it’s all some sort of terrible mistake and then I don’t get any sleep for days.
Jess recently posted..Hiatus II
I had to retrain myself too! As an obese person for half my life my self-worth was very much in the gutter. I tried to value myself no matter what size I was but in reality I didn’t. I didn’t think I was worthy of getting things I wanted, or worthy of dating people who treated me with respect. I lost the way and somewhere along the line I found confidence and self-worth. I was much more vocal about what I wanted and demanded respect from people–if they weren’t going to treat me right, my life had no room for them. It was a wonderful realization and I was so glad I stood up for myself!
Lisa recently posted..Fitness and Finding Love
This is such a great message!