This post has been written for this month’s Self-Discovery Word by Word prompt: BRAVERY sponsored by Dana from The Body and The Brood. Want to participate? Please do! Read Dana’s post here, and check out the rules here.
When I was a kid, I thought that bravery meant the grand sweeping gestures and BIG actions of knights and kings in the Disney movies that I loved so much. I thought that bravery was something that ought to be left to boyfriends in the pursuit of romance, or mothers in defense of their young.
I also thought that I was very small.
In fact, even when I was not quite so small any more, I still felt very small inside. I felt as though my voice wasn’t important or that no one would care what I had to offer. I felt stupid and silly and as thought my imagination was just a little bit too out there. I didn’t know very many other kids who liked to read the way I did, or talk the way I did.
I didn’t know very many other kids who thought the way I did.
I have talk about it before, but I was raised in a quasi gay family with many extended members, and chosen constituents. I was brought up in drag queens’ dressing rooms, and spending hours upon hours at the beach before being spit out by the ocean.
When I was fourteen, and I fell in love with a girl for the first time. I felt very, very small. I had left the Cape for the first time to go to boarding school, and was smacked in the face with the dissolution of my homophobia free bubble. I remember realizing with that I was weird or that my lovingly created, close-knit family was strange. We were strange for many reasons, mind you, but I had not considered their relationship statuses to be a part of that.
Fast forward twelve years – I am an adult, engaged to someone of the same sex, planning a wedding, getting a masters in social work, and working hard as an advocate for the GLBT population:
I am at Lululemon, and before going there I was TERRIFIED because I knew that they had a sort of terrible reputation for shaming fat people for not fitting into their largest size – 12. I had kind of been having a panic attack about it during the drive to the store, but I needed a new pair of yoga pants and truly I wanted to see what the fuss was about. So I went. I picked up the clothing. I tried it on in the dressing room. It fit(ish), but didn’t look cute enough for how expensive it was. I was so nervous about being pointed out as “too fat for lululemon” that I lied to the girl and said I was there to try them on because someone was buying them for me as a present and they would be by later to pick them up.
“Ohhh,” She smiled, “Your boyfriend?” Blindsided, and wanted to run away as fast as possible. I stuttered, “uh… yeah.” And ran out the door.
Now. Never have I EVER lied and said I had a boyfriend when I had a girlfriend, but in that moment, I was so caught off guard and already getting a little sweaty and nervous that I just ran out the door without correcting her. Side note: I spend a LOT of time correcting people because of the way I look. The point is – this was a moment for me to be brave, and I chose instead to run and hide.
Flash forward two months – and I am marching through the streets in Boston’s Dyke March, the night before the Pride Parade last weekend with hundreds of other women/ men/ queers/ allies/ trans people/ children. Even though I was brought up in a town with a sizable gay population, I had never realized how powerful attending a Pride event would be. I never realized that it would bring someone like to me completely to my knees .
To me, these days, bravery exists in those small moments where you make the choices to stand up for someone else. You are brave when you make the choice to defend someone against a bully. You are brave when you tell someone you love them, or when you ask them to marry you. You are brave when you say no to photo shop, and decide to believe that you are beautiful no matter what size your body is. You are brave when you tell someone that they have made a mistake, or have left someone out. You are brave when you stand in front of people and demand that they treat you fairly. You are brave when you don’t choose a path just because it’s easy.
If anything I wrote in this post is confusing to you, or if I glossed over any terms that you would like me to elaborate on – please ask questions in the comments, email me, find me on twitter, or hit up Medicinal Marzipan’s facebook wall. Don’t be shy, I would love to explain it to you. xo.
This is such a beautiful post. Thank you.
Also, I’m not-so-secretly terrified of Lululemon as well
Mara, this is powerful and stunning! You are brave because you wrote this, and because you live your life with integrity. I have certainly had my share of those moments in which I don’t speak my truth or confront someone–maybe we all have. But I think by acknowledging them and wondering why, we can do it differently next time. Thank you so much for your wonderful words, your courage, and your participation in this month’s SDWW series! xo
Even if I cannot relate to the details, your feelings, emotions, are absolutely something I can relate to. I have had a few struggles lately sharing my voice, being in a group where I am trying to, but then instantly want to delete everything I write, and have been fighting this fear of being too small to matter. Eek as I write this I am tearing up. I think being brave is about the small things, the things we do daily, when we step outside of our fear knowing it may not be easy, but it matters. You asked what I thought about the post so I thought I should come on here and share
I xoxo you and your honesty, vulnerability and voice.
What a beautiful, brave, spirited post. Thank you for capturing this and sharing it.
I agree with all of your bravery examples. Fabulous post as usual… from another queer who has to make an effort to come out routinely because of the way I look!
Mara, you are a stunningly wonderful woman! That you share yourself so freely and without pretense is brave in and of itself.
I have found that standing up for myself or others usually ends badly. And it’s funny because I didn’t know how I was going to address the bravery post but now I do.
You are so right about brave being standing up for what is right. You are brave. You are doing, and that takes courage. And as for the lady at lululemon, you had nothing to prove to her, so whether you tell her your life story or just lie to leave quietly doesn’t matter to your integrity. We are all a work in progress (as someone very smart reminded me the other day) – so next time you won’t be blindsided and you’ll have the smile and the words to correct her.
Brilliant and powerful post.
This is such a lovely post oh Marzipan and made me think of the lines about:
they came for ____ and I wasnt ____so I didnt speak up…
which all culminate in
they came for me and there was no one left to speak up.
xo
Yes. It is quite like that. Thank you for the lovely reminder, and for the comment. xoxoxo
“You are brave when you stand in front of people and demand that they treat you fairly.”
Oh you always go straight to the heart and guts, wonderful wonderful post
You always get me in the gut, friend. You’re definitely one of my sheroes!
This is such a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing yourself with us!
Mara,
As usual, your honesty & your day-to-day courage lift me up. You may not have listed it, but the ability to share your frozen “lululemon yoga-snob” inspired moment felt incredibly brave to me. When all of us shake off the “deer-in-headlights” moments that accompany our failures, we can choose to hide from them in shame or to share them. Sharing makes us all feel more real, more accepted, more valued. Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful post! I love your honesty and your bravery.
An awesome post! You are so very brave. I find that I am more brave when it comes to doing the right thing for others and lack bravery when it comes to doing what is right for myself.
Ugh, do I know all about feeling big on the outside and very, very small on the inside!
I think sometimes we have a “wave of brave” wash over us, and sometimes, we have to build those muscles, little by little. And from your posts, not just this one, but the ones I’ve read before, you are indeed very brave.
Thank you! That is such a lovely compliment.. xoxo