Has this ever happened to you?
Ok, Ok, I KNOW that I’m supposed to _________ (love myself, eat healthy, eat intuitively, not compare my body to others, be sweet to the skin I’m in, buy clothing in the size that I truly am and not be sorry about it, feel good about myself naked, drink enough water) - but I just don’t want to today! I’ll start again tomorrow/Monday/next week. Today I just want to sit around in stretchy pants, avoid exercise, watch TV, and eat ice cream sundaes all day.
image from ChibiJeebs’ Pinterest
 Raise your hand if you’ve had a day like that - I know that I have. Back when I was actively dieting, this type of behavior looked a lot like, Oh well, today is shit.. I’ll just eat whatever I want and tomorrow I’m going to be REALLY good. I was “starting over” every Monday morning from age 11 to 23. I was promising myself repeatedly that it was OK, I could binge, I could be lethargic – I was going to start fresh tomorrow.
Unfortunately, though no longer dieting, and a whole lot more sane and healthy around food and my body – sometimes I still catch myself acting this way. Sometimes I find myself eating the things that I know will make me sick (ie. wheat, sugar, alcohol, dairy) without pausing for a just one second to check in with my body. Sometimes I catch myself giving my body a little pep talk that sounds something like this:
Hold on. You’ll be OK. I pinkyswear that tomorrow I’m going to drink enough water and eat the foods that I know will make you feel 100%. Tomorrow I will take better care of myself/sleep more/stress less/find a way to relax. Tomorrow I will put less pressure on myself. Tomorrow I will meet myself where I’m at, truly, and without expectation or judgement.
The fact of the matter is, inconsistency is bad for you. It is bad for your body to be yo-yoing between healthy and not-so-healthy, and from working out all the time to months of sitting on the couch. It is also difficult on your heart (your emotional heart, though I’m certain it is hard for your physical heart as well) to always feel like you need to be doing something better, or more perfectly. Or that you are always starting over, and making promises to be better next time.
What if we threw the idea of starting over out the window?
What if we truly permitted ourselves one second, one bite, one moment of solitude to pull ourselves together, remember who we are and what we truly need – and made better choices in the moment. The necessity of this way of thinking may not make sense to someone who has never compulsively lived – but for someone like me? I dream about nothing more than having the strength to redirect myself mid-compulsion, and be consistent in my efforts towards self love.
Whether it’s about food, exercise, having sex, getting dressed, going to work, dealing with your family – we all have moments where it feels like our compulsions and neuroses are eating us alive. It can feel as though you are drowning in a pool without a bottom and gravity is weighing down on your from all sides. It can seem like you’ll never get out alive.
You can.
You can choose not to live your life this way, but it can (and does) take lots of practice. In a society where we are indoctrinated from a very early age to couch bites of cake with some variation of “Oh haha, like I need THIS” or “Good thing the diet starts TOMORROW” or “I’m so glad you’re eating this too – I didn’t want to be the only fattie at this party.”
You can just eat the freaking cake and go about your day.
Now, this isn’t only about cake. This is about the feeling in your body that you aren’t good enough and thus deserve to be some sort of continual make-over project. This does not mean that you should stop striving to be better/stronger/more dedicated to your craft/responsible/whatever. The difference is in the way you approach things.
This is about the cycle of being out of control and starting over. This is about not believing you deserve the life you have. This is about changing directions mid-bite instead of using a “slip up” as and “excuse to binge.” This is about eliminating the idea of the slip up.
I agree. I want to eat healthy when I can but sometimes I don’t want to. Even online where men and women will post a pic of their delicious lunch they have to put something like #FatTweet along with it, which sucks.
This is absolutely wonderful! I have the urge to start over later with absolutely everything— I’ll start being more productive tomorrow, I’ll go for a morning walk, I’ll be neater, I’ll only eat whole foods… the list goes on and on. You hit the nail on the head! Heck yes to getting rid of slip ups and starting over.
::::raising hand:::::
And I finally realized all the why’s yesterday. Fear. Plain and simple.
Oh, and here’s what I have to say about consistency: being consistent doesn’t mean every second of every day forever and ever. It means “most of the time.”
This is wonderful!! It’s the consistency that is a big one with me. The physical and emotional stability that intuitive eating and living gives me is what I cherish.
I love how you mention compulsions and neuroses. They are now my friend instead of my enemy. When they come up they teach me lessons I need to know and then I send them out to the universe. They just become another notion instead of using them as an excuse for negative thoughts and behaviours.
There is no wagon to fall off because I never put myself on one in the first place.
I’m facing down this particular monster in working to keep my promise to myself to maintain the dietary changes I made in June. I’ve found myself slipping once and then writing off the whole day. If I have sugar or meat or booze or dairy or wheat, I just say “screw it” and forget about trying to stick to what I know makes me feel good and healthy. Since coming off the three-week regimen, I’ve had four days where I’m saying “I’ll get back there tomorrow”. I think it’s got to do with not feeling accountable anymore. I’m working very hard to make myself accountable to my Self – to be responsible for keeping my intake sacred and meaningful – while making sure not to enter into deprivation or disordered patterns again.
Mara, I love love love this! I was just thinking about this concept too–how I am always starting over, especially after a night of ice cream. It’s just so hard to not fall into that trap! The “start over” idea always seems so restrictive and resemblent (pretend that’s a word haha) of my ED, so then I binge more often. I understand what you mean about eating the freakin cake and moving on, but I feel like I make too much of a habit of eating full-fat ice cream sundaes like 2-3x/week. I’m not kidding. I mean, that can’t be good for me, right?
This was exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you.
We were talking about this at the ED support group I attend yesterday.
I think I have let go of the idea of starting over tomorrow, for the most part. What was most interesting here was the idea of letting go of the idea of seeing ourselves as a make-over project. Where does the notion of self-improvement become destructive and self-criticising?
I’m not yet sure.
Hi Heather,
I’ve been thinking about that too. There is a big difference between “I want to work on X” and “I have to be X, or I’m not OK.”
My newest blog entry is exploring these issues and what I’d call “the happiness myth” or that thing we do where we think “if only I were [insert here]…. then I’d be happy”.
This is perfectly right on. I think that for me, the less I listen to my body, the more the ‘starting over’ comes into play. I get all in my head, about what I ‘should’ do, and it’s usually just crap. The same old dieting, over exercising, pushing through the pain crap. When in reality, if I Wouk slow down and listen, I’d know that right NOW is a fine time for a break. Not on sunday. Right NOW is a fine time to enjoy dessert with no guilt, or promise of burning it off later. I’m working on this daily…thanks
Exactly what I wanted to read today! I’ve fallen into that habit of “I’ll be good tomorrow” but “tomorrow” never helps so it’s endless cycle of failure and disappointment. I’m trying to be better at eliminating those urges and taking a breath and living for right now.
I love your blog, FYI! Always filled with wonderful information
Thank you so much!!
I love this post! I fall into this trap all too regularly… that qualifying “I shouldn’t be eating this”. I’m so tired of it! Thank you!