Let me share a little story with you:
You are out to eat at a restaurant during a busy summer month. Your server is working over time, trying to make sure that everyone has everything that they need. She has provided you with all of the information that she has been given from the kitchen regarding delays in service. The restaurant is packed. She is sweating a little, running around, but she is very nice and cordial, taking the time to answer all of your questions. Something happens in the kitchen, as the chefs are rapidly trying to serve a hundred and five people at once, and your food takes a little longer than you might like. You then choose to respond to this reality by screaming at your server, belittling her in front of five other tables, and degrading her as if she is barely deserving being spoken to. She offers you free drinks and dessert, while apologizing profusely. You pay the bill, over a hundred dollars, but you don’t tip her a single cent. You leave, and she cries briefly before plastering a smile on her face and heading out to serve the rest of her tables.
Admittedly, I was the server in this scenario, but the minute it happened I felt overwhelmed with the need to blog about it. I don’t often talk here about my other gig, you know – the one that pays the major bills, but I spend much of my time as a manger of a small restaurant on Cape Cod. Over the last twelve years of my life, I have held these jobs: waitress, manager of a restaurant, caterer, chef, cab driver, professional hula hooper, writer, editor, clothing-folder, counter girl, barista, bus person, gutter girl (read: the person who scraps the food off the plates before it goes to the dish washer), and bartender.
I have served many, many people. I have done it with a smile, 98% of the time.
Let me share another story:
You are out to eat with your significant other, and together share a laugh about a t-shirt with an oyster on a therapist’s couch with the text I think it’s time you open up. Your waitress says that, yes, as a social worker she thinks the shirt is hilarious. You look at her with a mixture of confusion and disgust and say, “Uhh.. You’re a social worker, but you still work in a restaurant?” You roll your eyes. Your waitress stammers, “Well.. I’m still in school.. which is really quite expensive…” You dismiss her and return to your drinks.
The way that we treat other human beings when we are out to eat or at the store or in a taxi-cab, is extremely important. What is it about paying for a service that makes us feel as though we own the person taking care of us, or that we are more important than them? Why do we chose to treat some people as though they are not worth our time of day? Why do we think we are so special we can mistreat others, just because we think that we are better than them?
Once, when I was driving a cab in Provincetown, MA, this happened:
You said, “You went to COLLEGE? And you drive a CAB? Your parents must be horrified.”
I smiled, and pretended this was funny. I wanted to say: Actually my parents are really proud of the fact that I have been working 40-60 hours a week since I was 12. The money that I have made has helped relieve them of the exceptional financial burden of raising three children. I have worked hard at every single type of customer service job possible, and I’m not ashamed.
I wanted to say: doing this job allows me the financial freedom to spend a portion of my day working on the things I am truly passionate about – helping others improve their body image and find freedom from their self-loathing. This job pays for my sizable student loans so that I can send myself back to school to get my masters. This job allows me to travel and experience the world. This job pays my rent.
However, I didn’t say any of those things, because I do not need to justify myself. Never once a day in my life have I felt badly about myself for working in the service industry to pay the bills. Never once have I looked around myself and though, ugh, I am just so much BETTER than this. I feel good about the fact that I work hard and smile and provide people with the best customer service experience possible.
I feel good about the fact that I am an exceptionally good waitress, but my waitressing skills do not define me.
Please, take the time to consider the fact that the people who are serving you, cleaning your house, watching your children, driving your cab, or doing any of the other things that make your day easier and more enjoyable are real people. They have real feelings. They are often working very hard, and take their jobs seriously.
It also stands to mention that many servers in the U.S. make under $3.00 an hour – which is why you tip them for their hard work to begin with.
Please take the time to consider how they feel when you under-tip them or take out all of your anger and frustration at the world on them. Please take the time to remember how wonderful your day can be when you treat others with kindness instead of disgust.
You don’t own the people who serve you, please don’t act like you do.
I completely agree!! My best friend and I have always agreed that every single person should be required to work at least 6 months in a customer service position – there would be no more hate in the world.
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Ha! Cassie, that is exactly what we were saying last night. 6 months should be mandatory for anyone who wants to eat in a restaurant
Or interact with any customer service person – it gives you a WORLD of perspective! Thanks for commenting. xo
AGREED. Truly builds character and empathy.
I never worked as a waitress myself, but I do have to say that < $3 official wage with the assumption that the rest will be made up in tips is a terrible system.
KWu recently posted..I am now no longer planning a wedding.
All so true! Thank you for writing this!
AMEN, Mara!
Gosh, I am so so sorry about what happened to you. I cannot believe people can be so rude. The way you handled it, however, was awesome. When I started waitressing this year I definitely had some meltdowns when the customers were not looking. I have definitely experienced people who are disgusted at me, and now I am much more kinder to waiters when I go out to eat. I always was, but now I realize how hard of a job it is and how it’s NOT all about me, me, me. I have friends at school who dismiss the service industry and it’s really sad, mainly because I have had those jobs ever since I was 14. We can’t all be working in labs over the summer doing research. I have learned an impeccable amount of things about myself and other people waitressing, things I would have never learned doing some more “higher” job.
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I loved reading this post. I spent the past year working a front-desk job before starting grad school full-time this week. There were so many incidents at work when I was treated like an absolute moron, like a lazy idiot, like a worthless nonentity that I wanted to scream, “I’m not stupid, I’m about to start a PhD program! And I have feelings! You can’t treat me like this and pretend that it’s okay!” But, being a good service industry employee, I never did. There were nights when I went home and cried because of what one person said to me across the counter–and what killed me was that they probably never thought about it again! It blows my mind that anyone thinks it’s acceptable to be rude, blatantly condescending, or downright mean to service people. They’re doing a job, not all that different from any other job except that it requires them to deal with YOU.
Haha, I love this “I’m not stupid! I’m about to start a PhD program! And I have feelings!” I feel like shouting that allllll the time, except it sounds a little more like “People LIKE me on the internet! I am Marzipan! I do good things!” ahahahahahaha. But it doesn’t even matter, people should treat others the way they want to be treated. No exceptions. xo
ugh definitely with you. people expect so much out of service and out of servers that most tend to forget we’re all actually human beings with, you know, feelings. when i worked at starbucks it all came together. oh.my.god. people and their coffee and their pastries…wow. i’ve never been treated more rudely in my life. that being said, there were also a handful of customers who were the sweetest people ever. regardless, the amount of times people demanded free drinks or yelled at me through the drive through window (oh yeah, i worked at the drive through AND cafe starbucks) really sucked. i definitely cried one or two times. you just never know what’s going on in another person’s life. is yelling at them about circumstances that are out of their hands really going to make you feel better?
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Mara, I’m so sorry you had to experience that! Wow, it’s amazing how people can be so disgusting and oblivious about how their actions and horrible words affect others. I always try to tip well and empathize with servers (I’ve never worked as one, but I know it’s a hard job) and any other people in service jobs. I’m in no way better than any person in those positions. Plus, mistakes happen all the time. And, either way, how others treat you is so much more about them than you.
My family and I came to the US as immigrants, and they worked low-paying, crappy jobs for a long time. My dad did to the day he passed away. But he and my other relatives worked their butts off to provide for their kids – and took their jobs very seriously. It’s infuriating that others would somehow look down on that.
Thank you for a fantastic post, as always! I love that you took such negative experiences and created a very thoughtful and positive post.
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Thanks so much Margarita! And thank you for sharing your family’s story with us. You’re the best. xo
As someone who has waited many tables, I simply say hear hear.
When you treat others like sh*t it is simply a reflection of how you feel about yourself. And treating others with kindness can do heaps and bounds to improve that.
Christie Inge recently posted..You Are Not Alone
EXACTLY THIS: “When you treat others like sh*t it is simply a reflection of how you feel about yourself.” You’re the best. And yes, treating others sweetly and watching that warmness return to you does tons to improve your mood and self perception.
It was mother’s day and I had worked a ten hour shift with no break. Even though it was the busiest day of the year, I was exhausted and starving, and the table came in two minutes after closing, I decided to take them. Because there was 27 of them, and I NEEDED that kind of money. They were loud, but that was ok because we only had one or two lingering tables. They were demanding and rude, but it was ok because I was a damn good server. Three of them read the descriptions of the stew, asked and listened to the descriptions of the stew, ordered it and then sent it back because they thought they were getting a deep fried dish. I too was sweating. I was running to get everything out at the same time. I was refilling. I was answering to ‘hey come here!’ . I was being yelled at. And because I was young, naive, and still convinced that even though these people were awful they would do the right thing, I DID NOT add the 15% gratuity to the total of their check. The host that night thought I was crazy but half the time you put the gratuity on there you got yelled at for it anyway. And finally they left. 2 hours after the restaurant was supposed to be closed, and 12 hours after I had started my shift (without a break or a meal), they left with out tipping me one penny. I held it together until I got in my car and then I cried my eyes out. I drove the two miles home,
(Oops! I didn’t mean to push publish yet) … I got in bed and I cried more. My husband came home an hour later (it was 11pm by then), with dinner thankfully and found me a puddle of despair. (He had also stopped by the jewelry store and bought me a beautiful little gift because he knew Mother’s day is one of the worst in the food service industry. I’m so lucky to have him.)
Very long story short: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers, and sometimes it has screwed me. People think that just because you are wearing an apron, or stand behind a counter that you are less of a human and it is ok to treat you as such. But they have to remember the person taking your order today might be your therapist/social worker/ lawyer/ doctor tomorrow, and some of us have long memories.
Oh Sheila – this story is heeeeartbreaking, but all too common. I’m so glad that you have such a nice husband! It can make all the difference. I’m lucky to work with an amazing bunch of friends, so it always makes me feel better when other people are indigent on my behalf
It’s totally not about the money – having someone else who has witnessed a situation and is able to see how messed up it is is priceless. xoxoox
Everyone in the service industry should watch the movie Waiting…. I would never do half the things they do, but I’ve had those customers and I have been tempted!
Waitressing paid my way through university. I’m grateful for what the service industry did for me then, and now as a consumer.
Funny how we place higher value on certain professions that many of us may never need or seldom need. However, we look down on the very professions that all of us depend on a great deal of the time. True, our day can be wonderful when we treat others well. More over, you can make someone else’s day with something as simple as a smile aimed their way.
Loving your website.
*standing ovation* HELL, YES!
I started at McDonald’s. I worked in retail for 10 years (the last 5 of which were at the customer service desk). I’ve long maintained that you can tell who has worked in the service industry, and that we could solve a lot of the world’s rudeness by making service industry work mandatory – people wouldn’t feel entitled to be such unmitigated ass muppets if they had been on the other side of the counter.
Chibi Jeebs recently posted..This Is Why I Love You: Reason #43
Two things:
1) My cousin (the actress) once was dating or engaged to Richard Grieco. She broke it off because he was an a**hole to their server at dinner.
2) I am a server. I have a family to support. This is how I do it. When you decide that my service is too slow (when I have 4+ other tables, the kitchen is backed up, bar is swamped, etc…), or that your meal was too mediocre, or that I am generally not worth a decent (not even good) tip, you are telling me that my efforts are not enough to financially support my family. I would like to ask you, sir or madam, what do you do to pay the bills? How would you feel if your paycheck was directly determined by the mood/whim/penny pinching of your boss that day? If I am giving you bad service, speak up to me and/or my manager. However, I am a damn good server. Your not tipping me will not make the kitchen faster, me able to juggle more tasks/tables better, nor will it mean that next time you will get some personal service because I live to make you happy. It means you are a jerk… whom I will still serve with a smile.
Aaron (@culturalsavage) recently posted..Theology Questions
It’s bad ju-ju to yell at a customer service rep. I had one customer on the phone who happened to be driving, yelling at me for something for something that had nothing to do with me, and he got in a wreck. Not a bad one, but he had to get off the phone and deal with it. Karma.
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You are awesome! There’s absolutely no need to yell, criticize, or be anything other than exceptionally polite and appreciative to people doing a job and trying to make a living.
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Yes, treat others as you would like to be treated! Too often people don’t think before they react and end up judgeing others harshly. We are a society wher people are defined by what they do….think of the first question people usually act when they meet you. This leads to either (if we are lucky!) a early life crisis where you realize there is more to you than what you “do” or as most people find out they fall into a crisis when they retire and are suddely left with a gaping void.
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A-M-E-N. While I’ve never worked in a non-fast food restaurant, I’ve worked at bookstores, health food stores, etc and I’d add:
1. Don’t try to put the moves on the clerk/cashier/server/etc. You’re most likely making them extremely uncomfortable.
2. Don’t keep your money tucked in your underwear so you have to fish around down your pants to hand the cashier a warm credit card.
3. Don’t leave a pile of poo on the restroom floor. Even if it’s an innocent mistake made by your child, please clean up after yourself. Someone making $7 per hour and hustling on their feet all day has enough to worry about without being forced to clean up a biohazard.
What always shocks me is when you see other seemingly reasonable people dining with the rude person who is making a scene and the other people don’t seem to be having a problem with the rude person’s behavior, aren’t apologizing, aren’t leaving a giant tip, etc. Poor treatment of other people should be such an obvious deal breaker/red flag.
When I say “poor treatment of other people,” I mean poor treatment of waitstaff, clerks, cashiers, etc. Not very clear tonight. Sigh.
You know, I’ve done my time in service industries (retail, call center, cashier at Target), I’ve got plenty of “douchebag of the day” stories of my own (oh man, especially from having rainbow hair/tattoos in small town Missouri), and these still leave me with my jaw dropped. Every time I hear one of these stories, I just can’t believe that someone would be that MEAN to another human being. I totally agree about everyone should work a service job – that’ll teach you some empathy skills right quick!
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Thank you! This is fantastic! YOU are fantastic! I work part-time as a receptionist and I try really hard to love people through it. Usually I am treated well enough and there are a few regulars who will always have a chat or ask me how I’m doing. I love those people. But sometimes I really get yelled at for things completely beyond my control which I’m doing my hardest to fix, and it really hurts.
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Ive never waitressed before, but being in culinary school we have many classes that give us restaurant experience.
I’ve gained so much respect for the whole operation which has led to much more compassion to other service workers in all jobs.
Plus, it takes so much energy to be mean and disrespectful . . .
Compassion is where its at!!
Yes yes YES bloody yes
Beautifully said! And so sorry you had to serve such jerks. Having horrible flashbacks of my time as a slave to the Colonel at KFC. some people really do think they are your overlords in those moments. and we don’t really do the tip thing as much in Australia/UK so i can only imagine what it must be like in the States. Goodness me…
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In the UK, minimum wage laws apply to everyone. I think it’s awful that any less should be applied to anyone, like it seems to be the case for waiters or waitresses in the US. This must surely encourage people, and employers, to see people as worth less because, in financial terms, they are treated as such.
Plain wrong.
On the flip side, I can feel like I am worth more than the job I do. That I am under-employed in many ways, and it can be easy to take out my frustration on the people I am paid to help.
It is hard, but it does pay my bills. And while I won’t pretend to be grateful – because I feel like I earn my cash – I am at least proud of myself for taking care of myself financially.
Heather recently posted..Not Giving In
Truer words have never been spoken. I worked in the service industry for a long time and just as easily as someone can treat you like dirt, they can also make your day. So I always try to give some sincerity to my service/retail people I encounter out in the world.
I like how you said you don’t need to justify why you work where you do. I have a Master’s degree and work at a grocery store, but I don’t care to explain why to everyone who think it’s weird, and they do think it’s weird. I think it’s great because I hate my Master’s degree education, but how would they know?!
Sara Grambusch recently posted..Manicures Make Me Feel Like An Asshole
I have ‘the smarts’ and I think the happiest I’ve ever been was when I was waitressing a busy weekend at the tea-rooms! I honestly just love feeling helpful, but people will assume that you’re undereducated or young…and for some reason this means that they can treat you really badly!
Definitely in agreement that EVERYBODY needs to work in the service industry before they should even be allowed in a restaurant – although I’ve met some pretty dopey servers as well, not least the assistant manager who refused to chip in on the washing up when everyone else was busy, proclaiming that she’d gone through the levels and didn’t have to do that anymore. Needless to say, she didn’t last long.
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One thing I noticed while in the US and Canada… people over there treat service/retail/janitorial workers a WHOLE lot different to we do here in Australia. At best, these workers were ignored. At worst, they were treated abominably, as though they were another class or sub-human. I found myself experiencing reactions of surprise and delight from so many people in these roles, just by acknowledging their presence (which I would never dream of not doing even here at home) or by thanking them when they did their job.
Inversely, I’ve had USian friends come here to Australia, and be absolutely delighted by the service staff everywhere.
And do you know what I think it is? The tipping culture. Here, minimum wage is higher, though not fantastic, but service staff are not forced to beg for tips, which I believe leads people to think less of them. You will very rarely see tipping in Australia – and usually it’s a discreet bowl near the cash register for one to toss whatever change one has in. I work in a customer service industry (though these days I am behind the scenes in IT/Admin) and our entire raison d’etre for our jobs is “Customer Focus”. It is drummed into us every working day.
It is a given that service should always be pleasant, helpful and courteous – one doesn’t have to dangle a tip to get that kind of service. That doesn’t mean it always is that good – but those places that have crappy service don’t stay in business long, or those employees don’t keep their jobs long.
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This topic is endlessly fascinating and anxiety inducing in me. I’ve never worked in a service job so I’m always afraid of making some kind of faux pa. What is an acceptable amount to tip? What do I do if service is really horrible? I want the servers to know I appreciate their hard work, and I don’t want to intentionally offend anyone.
Haha, Kate – I couldn’t help but smile at this post! I just LOVE knowing that people care so much as to not want to offend someone. I am going to go out on a limb and say that if you are the kind of person that even CONSIDERS this, you are likely not offending anyone. As a rule, I tip 20%. Always. Without fail. Even when someone drive me up the wall. If it is superb service or I know someone well, I tip more (or if I’m currently waiting tables/consciously working to keep good money juju flowing around me). However, these are hard times that we are living in, and sometimes you simply don’t have the money to lavish on someone with a huge tip. In this case, I am unendingly sweet to my server – to at least make the experience with me as lovely as possible. As a server, this can sometimes be confusing, ie. they seem like they love me so much, why didn’t they tip me accordingly? wahhh…, but I think that a smile/kind word goes a long way. Thank you for your sweet comment, I really appreciate it
I too broke it off with my GF because of her lewd behavior to my industrial brethren. WE just wrote an article about self entitled shit-bags on our blog. This blog made our day!
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Thanks so much! I’m really glad that you liked it.. It’s crazy how people treat others when they think no one is looking…