This post is my contribution to this month’s Self-Discovery Word by Word organized by Taron of Mind, Body & Scroll. Taron chose the word LOVE for this month’s series – find out how to participate by checking out her introductory post here. And it just so happens that this month has us celebrating ONE YEAR of Self-Discovery.
We’ve all heard it: someone will love you, when you learn how to love yourself.
It’s something that people say when you’re young and you’re looking for someone to love you. It’s something that people say to you when they know that to find love, you need to be open to loving yourself.
But what happens when you love yourself, find someone to love you, and then fall out of love with yourself?
What happens when there is someone in your life that is so amazing and wonderful, someone who looks at you like you are the most cherished thing on the planet, and you find yourself feeling unbearably distant because you just can’t feel their love?
The thing about self-hatred, damaged body image, or low self-esteem is that it’s isolating. It can feel as though you are the last person, on the last glacier, out in the middle of the abyss and nothing is strong enough to breach the distance between you and the people in your life. You hear them saying all the right things, “I love you. You’re my favorite. You’re my one and only.”
The kind of things that people dream about hearing.
And yet, in your brain, the only sounds are:
How can that be? Don’t they know how awful I am? How repulsive? I bet they are only pretending to love me. I bet they just think that they love me, but someday they will realize that they were mistaken. Don’t get comfortable. Don’t let your guard down.
Before long you find yourself picking fights. You find yourself taking apart every bit of the relationship, aggressively, trying to locate the evidence that will support your lack of self-worth. You find yourself sabotaging something good, because you don’t think that you deserve it.
Unfortunately, in this isolated state, all you can manage to think about its you you you. Your needs. Your feelings. Your love. Your safety. Your security. It doesn’t even cross your mind to imagine the difficulty of what it must be like to love you in that miserable state. You don’t consider how much strength and heart is required to love someone that spends the entirety of their day trying to push you away or test your love.
Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love themselves is heartbreaking.
It is overwhelming.
For many years I tested my partners’ love. I ran through them. Or rather, I pushed them until they ran away. In that moment, I felt validated, because I just knew that they would leave me in the end. I just knew that I didn’t deserve to be loved.Â
Until I met C. When I met C I was challenged with a level of love that I had never experienced. I pushed. I yelled. I cried. I experienced the deepest depths of my self-hatred and I blamed it on her. But she didn’t run away. I felt disgusting. I begged her to leave me, because I was no good, I ruined everything, I didn’t deserve someone to be there for me, forever.
The thing about love – reciprocal, intimate, lasting, nourishing, fantastic, gorgeous, exciting love – is that it requires that both parties believe that they deserve to be there. It is impossible to participate wholly in a relationship with another person when you are constantly tripping over your feet, getting in your own way, and demanding all of your attention.
The thing about love is, that when you feel it for yourself, when you are able to truly forgive yourself for all of your perceived shortcomings and treat yourself sweetly, you can’t help but want to extend that love to those you come into contact with.
Love breeds love, but it begins with with love for yourself.
And that is the best reason that I can think of to do this work.
giant WHOA.
thank you for this.
how can we thank our loved ones for sticking by our side through this?
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That’s the best question. I think that quick (and easier) answer is – thank them every day, but my honest answer, to my partner is, “I am working on loving myself. I am working on making this better so that WE can be better. I recognize how hard this is for you, and I can’t promise that I’ll always be perfect but I will always be honest with you about what I’m experiencing. I won’t freeze you out just because I’m afraid.”
This post. This post could be written about me. Right now.
I’m in a relationship, have been for 6 years. He’s still there. Even though I’ve been falling more and more out of love with myself for every year. I’ve starved, self-sharmed and sabotaged my life. I’ve screamed, yelled, pushed and manipulated him to see how far I could go until he left. And he’s still there.
Thank you for helping me realize this.
I think it’s going to take a while before I learn to love myself again (we’re talking 2-3 years of therapy here). And it’s hard to trust that he will be there through the process. And yet, all evidence to date shows that he will. He will.
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This post really hit home for me today. My husband started this conversation with me just last night, and it’s hard for me to deal with/understand. “But what happens when you love yourself, find someone to love you, and then fall out of love with yourself?” That right there, that is what I hope to figure out for myself. Thank you for giving us the words and wisdom, as always.
xoxo
Effin BRILLIANT. Sharing this.
Awesome–thanks for sharing. I think my husband is at his wits’ end with this at this point, and somehow knowing that I’m making it ‘all about me’ makes me feel even worse. What you said about telling your partner that you’re _working_ on loving yourself: if I could make that kind of commitment, I think it would be a great gift to him.
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Ela, I’m so sorry that reading that part made you feel worse, that was not my intention. Unfortunately, it has been my experience that when I am feeling badly about myself or experiencing low self-esteem or worse, self-hatred, I am not even acknowledging the other person in the relationship at all. In those moments, it IS all about me. And how bad I feel. And how gross I am. And how unlovable I am. I suppose that, for me, knowing that I am isolating myself within my relationship in that way makes me feel better, because it is a way of reframing the paranoia that I am feeling about how they are responding to me. For example, knowing that I am participating in a negative cycle with myself, and truly only myself, then my feeling that my partner totally hates me or thinks that I’m terrible is MY voice. Those are MY words, not theirs. I agree however, that it can be very uncomfortable to exist in a relationship negatively impacted by your own body image issues… I guess that was why I wrote this post, to shed some light on an issue that I wish were discussed more openly.
Thanks for sharing. xo
Thanks so much for your response–and I apologize–I was writing quickly and I didn’t mean to specifically say that _your post_ made me feel worse. What I was trying to say was that even in the thick of the negative cycle, I do have some awareness that ‘it’s all about me,’ and that that awareness makes me feel guilty and sometimes, even worse. So, I wasn’t trying to say that your post triggered me, but acknowledging that that ‘isolation’ piece, which is so much at the heart of all these issues, sometimes leads me to indulge in guilt as well.
It definitely makes me feel guilty that I feel so awful when I have so many blessings. I know some of it is ‘just chemistry,’ but I’m afraid that that might just be making excuses…
Thanks again!
love
Ela
Ela recently posted..This Week’s "Herbal Project:" Horseradish
My boyfriend is amazing with this. I’m surprised he’s stayed through all my drama, even when we worked out that hey! I prefer sex with girls! or hey! I’ve possibly got bipolar! blah de blah. I’ve got friends that lost partners because they couldn’t deal with the mental health stuff anymore and it makes him even more amazing because of it. I’m sending this to him <3
Woah, you’re right. I do that and I’m so glad my bf has stuck through it. I just wish I didn’t think/feel this way; it’s like basking in sunshine and not feeling warmer.
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Your relationship with your C sounds like my relationship with my C: no matter how many times I told him how awful I was and that he should go find someone who DESERVED his love, he hasn’t wavered. After four and a half years, I’m finally starting the journey to self-love and acceptance. It’s tough, but it’s getting easier to see that I *am* worth it and I *do* deserve it.
Thank you, love. <3
Thank you for writing this. It is nice to know that im not the only one out there dealing with this. Sometimes it can seem that way.
I agree. the biggest tool of the enemy is to convince us that
we are the only one! Such a lie
Just gorgeous, MM. Love does breed love.
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Wonderful post on a very complicated, and common, situation. It’s so important to make sure that your relationship with yourself is the one that’s always in order. It’s easy to lose track of that in a relationship where the other person isn’t on the same page. It’s not that I think a relationship like this can’t work, but personally, that’s hard pressed to be healthy for me.
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so true – but we are all in this together on one level or another
So true. I remembered asking my partner what she found in me that she is treating me with so much affection. One thing really damaging about not loving myself is it made me distrustful. I had gone through many relationships myself and it was when I spent time being single that I realized I should love myself first before going into another relationship. Loving myself allowed me to be more generous and trusting.
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John, thank you SO much for sharing this with us. Per always, I love a male perspective around here. I really appreciate it. Xo
Woahhh, this is powerful. Fantastically well written. Thank you!
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You are amazing….
This post seems to be written to me, but it is talking about the guy I am in love with.
He is just amazing: smart, handsome, sweet. But he happens to be terribly insecure, he’s a workaholic, he just feels safe if he is buried into his office. Yeah, from time to time he goes out, of course, because he’s human after all. But no relationships of any sort.
We were falling in love with each other. We were going towards a relationship. We were almost there… but he backed off. Why? Because he is no good for having a relationship with anybody, that is what he said.
He broke my heart because he is afraid of what could happen if only he took the next step. I could be there for him, anyway, since I do love him.
Actually, scratch that.
I am there for him, nonetheless, but I am not imposing my presence anymore, I am loving him in silence, praying for the moment he will be able to override this fear and wake up to the world again, even if he falls in love with someone else.
But yeah, Marzipan… You’re right about two things.
It *is* overwhelming.
And heartbreaking, too.
Thanks for sharing, love.
Oh Sabrina, thanks for sharing your story. I felt for you so much in reading it… It is an aspect of having relationships that *is* truly heartbreaking, having been on both sides of it, sometimes simultaneously. I truly wish that people could feel the love that others have for them, without it scaring them away or turning them off, and that they might be able to reciprocate that love in way that is authentic and heartfelt. I wish we could will someone to be in that space, and to be able to receive the love that is offered. Thank you thank you thank you. Best of luck. xox
Hi sunshine,
thanks for answering.
I also wish that, that people will be able someday to override their own fears and do the next step. I can say it for myself, too, about doing the next step, because I might have done something wrong as well, I reckon: relationships are composed of two people, nonetheless.
xoxo
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This made me want to cry…I’ve done this, I’ve pushed an amazing person away because I didn’t love myself.
I’m working so hard to love myself and get past my insecurities, and reading posts like this help me believe that one day I’ll get past them. Thank you
I’ve got a girl friend right now of two months. She’s dumped me four times already but then changes her mind. She’s been single for 2-3 years, and hasn’t fully let her ex go emotionally. She’s had such a horrible life and doesn’t love herself at all. I refuse to leave her side. I vowed to not be like her exs and leave her, and even when she pushes me away, I stay. I see how amazing, beautiful, strong, intelligent, loving, caring and gorgeous she is. I see into her soul through her eyes.Isee the hurt and pain, but also the love and the desire to be whole again.. i hope she starts to love herself so she can love me like she seemed to do at one point.. its beena short relationship but she’s captured my heart. Everyone tells me imcrazy for staying im 21 and should be moving on, but I can’t.I love her and despite her pushing me away, she deserves unconditional love.. she broke up with me today
I hope she realizes that she just did it out of anger for herself and lets me back in. Im not leaving her side…
I am in love with a man who I see as being afraid to be in love with himself. I fell deeply into the thought that I could show him how amazing he is. I wish I were a more patient person, but am feeling pushed to my limits by how hard he is pushing me away.
Any suggestions?
Sometimes when the ones that we love feel overwhelmed by negative emotions about themselves they cannot help, but push us away in the most cruel ways that they can summon. This, of course, has nothing to do with us, but is entirely a reflection of how that person is feeling inside their own skin. The best way that I have found to cope with this within the context of a relationship is to be very honest in your communication on the topic. Choose your words carefully. It may be, unfortunately, that that person has not yet come to a place where they can permit love of any sort, but again, that is a decision that they are making. Does that make sense? My advice: be clear, be patient, and hold to your own boundaries. Just because someone feels horrible about themselves does not give them permission to make you feel horrible.
I typed into my search engine “can’t love my husband until I love myself”. I searched that because my husband has went through the ringer because of my insecurities. I had my son 2 months ago and you don’t know self hatred and damaged body mindset until you have stretch marks and elephant skin all over your belly. I have so much loose skin under the stretch marks I cry every night. I pick fights with my husband when I feel low (all the time) because I feel like he’s playing a joke on me by saying he loves me. When he’s says “I hate hearing you say you hate your stomach. Do you not understand that gave me the best gift anyone could ask for?” I feel extremely guilty for hating my stomach but it’s everything about my body that I hate. I’m so happy I found this because now I have SOMETHING to work on instead of trying to find what’s wrong with him and why I hate him. Its not him it’s me and now I know that. Thank you so much!
I’m so glad I found this, I split from husband 2 1/2 years ago and I know it was the best decision I ever made as it was an abusive relationship not physical really just emotional and mentally, when I left I felt free and vowed I would never be treated like that again and I’ve been single up until a few months ago when I met this amazing guy but all I seem to do is make a mess of it by accusing him of stupid thing like going with someone else or not texting enough but I’ve realised tonight with his help that’s it me that has major issues, I come across as this confident person but I’m really not I look into things way too much and can’t help thinking I don’t deserve this and that it’s going fall down round my ears, this guy is amazing and I really want this to go somewhere I know he would never hurt me and I have to start believing in myself or I’m going to ruin everything. I’m going to see my gp on Monday and ask for some help but I wanted to say thank you for this page it’s really helped.
i am in love with this girl she has a lot of problems of her own and i came into her life i try and always be happy i do appreachiate everything she does for me. Her parents are abussive from my understanding i care about her so much but, she says “I don’t like the way i am.” she doesn’t like anything about herself i want her to be herself i do not want her to change for anybody her mom insults her about how she looks “your to skinny you have a flat butt etc.” i don’t think she sees true beauty in herself i don’t care how she looks what she wears whatever i love her and i feel like she doesn’t love herself and i really do not know how to help her i want to help her so badly someone help
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You are amazing!!! As I read your post I began to sob because no one has ever put it in words so clearly to me before. I am so social and great at interacting with people on a superficial level but underneath, I always feel I will be refected once they really get to know me. I constantly find reasons to sabotage relationships with men and through all the pain I almost feel vindicated in the end when they can’t take anymore of my distrust and misery. I always convinvce myself that I am unhappy in the relationship because I just don’t want to be the guy I’m with anymore but I am painfully realizing that it has nothing to do with them at all. I am finding this a very difficult time and really appreicate the work you are doing on this website and the wonderful community you’ve created. Thank you for the support!!
much love
Maggie
I keep a journal of how I feel and I write in as often as possible. It seems to me that the only way I can “vent” is this way or it is taken as arguing and makes things worse…
When things are going good you tend not to think about the bad, you just think that things are going good so let’s keep them that way. And just when you become comfortable again, you are hit with a reality check at midnight… 3am and it has been a few days since I written to myself that was because I thought just what I stated, things were going good…
Well they are not. I see that I am the cause of most of our arguments and I don’t know how to get back to where I was prior. Prior meaning that for the first 6-7 months of the relationship there was so much compassion and I was a different person. It has been almost a year now I can’t say an apology without having some kind of attitude and I see that is where my daughter is getting it from. I am home with our collective children all day because I am unemployed at the moment (This saves on daycare and there is at least is unemployment) and I can see that they are taking after me as well, there is attitude all over the place and I am the cause- I am the cause. I sometimes think that everyone’s life would be better off if I wasn’t part of it. Think about it, My girlfriend wouldn’t have the added stress of my attitude and actions, she would not have seen this side of me (we were friends for 5 years prior) and just as important she wouldn’t have known that I was this kind of jerk. The kids definitely would not be emulating this behavior, except my daughter of course. I would not have known that my child was like this, I would not have known I was like this. I don’t know where things went wrong but I see where I am going and I don’t know how to fix it. My actions constitute what happens to me. I’m told I mean well but it’s not enough, something needs to be done before it’s all too late…
Measinmike, thank you so much for your kind and heartfelt comment. I am astounded in reading this because, there are so many similarities in your story to the stories of many many of the people who I know personally and work with. The mere fact of your self-awareness around this issue provides me with the knowledge that you DO in fact know how to fix it. What are you feeling when you apologize with attitude? What is happening in your body that is causing you to feel angry? What are the truths about your internalized guilt and shame that is being called to during these moments? How might you begin to forgive yourself so that you can move on? I do not believe that you, alone, are the cause, and I definitely do not believe that your world would be better if you weren’t in it. However, these are strong emotions, and it would be worthwhile to examine them. How can you make small, daily shifts towards loving and accepting yourself? How can you reconnect with the part of you that is loving and compassionate? I believe that you are capable of these things.
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So many questions that hadn’t been thought about until now; Here goes…
What are you feeling when you apologize with attitude? I feel like I have been attacked and the only way to get out of it is to be defensive. I realize that “I’m sorry” is invalid when a “but” or “however” is added, that isn’t the case. Its more “I’m sorry that I was an ass, and that it wasn’t good enough”.
What is happening in your body that is causing you to feel angry? I wish I knew how to answer that one. It is an otherwise high stress house which I wasn’t accustomed to before. I knew about all the stress ahead of time. I feel like I am depressed, I feel like what I am doing isn’t enough.
What are the truths about your internalized guilt and shame that is being called to during these moments? Honestly, there isn’t much of it. I feel bad that I don’t feel worse. It isn’t until after there is an argument that I realize that I’m arguing, it isn’t until after I think about what I said or did that I did anything wrong.
How might you begin to forgive yourself so that you can move on? That is what I am searching for.
I do not believe that you, alone, are the cause, and I definitely do not believe that your world would be better if you weren’t in it-
I’m not saying I wouldn’t be in my world, but questioning whether or not their lives would be better had I not entered it as I did.
How can you make small, daily shifts towards loving and accepting yourself? How can you reconnect with the part of you that is loving and compassionate?
I’m thinking that this and the next question are related. In the beginning I was all about their feeling because I knew what they had gone through. At that 6 month mark I had to remove my daughter from the house because of behavior issues. It was at that point where the compassion I feel may have gone. I don’t know why it left at that point but when I returned something hadn’t. There was chaos because of the leave and I felt I had to work on my daughter to return home. So I focused on her when I should have been focusing on me instead…
anyone see my last comment?
Mara,
I just wanted to say thank you.
I found your website a week ago and have been reading it daily. Between that, and meditation, I’ve avoided having panic attacks for almost a week (they’ve been happening daily).
I know I’ve got a long road ahead of me, but your blog is one of the tools that is making me strong enough to keep standing.
Please keep writing,
K
Thank you so much Kelsey. I’m really grateful to know that my blog has been useful for you! Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out to me and let me know if there is a topic that you’d really like to see covered here. xoxo