I’ve noticed that many people like to talk about their body in one of two ways: as something they are battling against in an effort to appeal to whittle it down to something smaller or as something that they love so unconditionally, they are uninterested in any weight loss talk – thank you very much.
I also want to take a moment to add a disclaimer that some totally awesome people that I respect very much navigate this territory with gorgeous transparency and integrity and authenticity – Christie Inge and KCLAnderson, I’m talking to you, amongst others – and I think they are just the bees knees.
But I don’t really talk about it, here.
I don’t talk about it because if you get nothing else from this website I want you to get this message:
Love yourself. Love yourself unconditionally. Love yourself with everything you’ve got, every ounce of strength and courage that you can muster, because at the end of the day it’s just you, alone with your thoughts. Love yourself because you have suffered enough. Love yourself because you deserve every possible good thing that you are keeping out of your life when you’re deeply submerged in the muck of confusion and self-doubt.
I don’t talk about it because I don’t want you to get this message:
Loving yourself is all good and grand, but not if you’re FAT. Loving yourself is great, but you really should lose weight because you’re not very healthy, lets admit it. Loving yourself is wonderful, but only if you’re being good and sticking to your weight loss program.
I don’t talk about it because I didn’t want you to think I had softened my resolve, or that I didn’t think all the same things weren’t important anymore. I didn’t want you to think that I had abandoned you.
But somewhere along the way, it became markedly apparent that I had abandoned myself.
Now, I’ve done this both privately and publicly, but, bottom line, I have not been walking my walk. I have been consciously putting thoughts of discomfort and dis-ease out of my head when I think about my body, currently, as it is right this second. I wish I had been telling myself messages like:
You’re gorgeous just the way you are. You’re perfect. You don’t need to change! You’re lovely.
But, often the message is:
Don’t you dare lose a pound, you fraud. You just sit up here on your high horse yammering on and on about self-love and you don’t love yourself?! You feel fat?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! Who do you think you are? (and ultimately..) They are all going to leave your site and never come back, and you will deserve it.
Here’s the thing: I do feel gorgeous. I do feel perfect. I do love myself. It’s just that, for the first time in my life, I am understanding that sometimes loving yourself means wrangling yourself in when you’ve spiraled out of control. I understand that loving myself means, taking care of the only body that I’ll be given – it means speaking my truth, but it also means living my truth.
My name is Mara, and I am a compulsive eater, sometimes recovered and sometimes not so much.
My name is Mara, and I believe this: you have to love yourself first. You have to love yourself above everything else. But wanting to lose weight, or the act of weight loss when you’re feeding yourself the foods that make YOU feel good or moving in a way that YOU love, will not make you a body image warrior exile in my book.
My name is Mara, and today, I love myself enough to recognize that I feel a little lackluster.
My name is Mara, and I love myself enough to take care of myself first and foremost, for the first time in my life.
I may not have been able to say it strongly or clearly enough during my first years of blogging, but here it is:
Medicinal Marzipan is a blog about self-love and body image, and documents my journey (as well as our collective journey) to radically love our bodies to the best of our abilities. Here, in this community, loving your body means: taking care of it the best way YOU know how and engaging in the deeply personal process of deciding what is YOUR healthy. It means the continual work of severing YOUR voice from the voice of the media, Hollywood, advertising, your mother, your partner, etc. At Medicinal Marzipan, loving your body means: listening to it, acknowledging hurt and pain, treating it sweetly, digging deep, having courage to be honest whenever possible, and holding yourself accountable to YOURSELF.
My name is Mara, and this is my site. I love it with everything in my body, and bring to it the absolute best and worst that I have to offer.
My name is Mara, and this is my best work.