I’ve been dreaming about this post for a month.
I’ve been wondering exactly how to describe this feeling of loss that I have.
Loss that I can’t quite put my finger on.
Without consuming ____ to glue together all of my jagged edges, I feel a little like a bag of mirror shards, clanging around and reflecting one another’s sharpness.
Food used to tie it all together for me – family, romance, awkward social situations, fear, loneliness, anxiety - Nothing a bowl of mashed potatoes couldn’t fix.
The feeling that I have now is a little bit sad. I feel a little let down. The grandeur of going out and eating a fancy meal is a little less sparkly. The gnocchi has kind of lost it’s mystery.
I have never been so sick of eating vegetables in my life.
I miss the quick-fix, the bowl of beans and rice, the easy remedy that I could provide myself with the contents of my cupboards. Yes, I always knew this fix was fickle and short-lived, but in that moment, cheese solved most problems.
Without the food, the feelings are there, inmates clanging against their shackles and bars and demanding that I pay attention to them. They want me to know that while I was oh so busy trying to shut them up they were bored out of their minds with all of the television that I was watching and heartbroken that I never gave them a chance to be who they always wanted to by and WHY didn’t I let them go out and have fun once and a while and and and…
They wanted to know why I no longer got on stage with my hula hoop and performed on top ofÂ a speaker.
They wanted to know what I was planning on doing about how resentful I felt towards myself for making myself believe I had to take care of every single thing for every single person that I know for the last twenty years.
They want me to have this tattooed on my wrist, so I’ll never forget it:
Just because you can, doesn’t mean that you should.
So, friends, here’s the deal: I’m ready to let a couple of those feelings out of their cages and see what happens. Yes, there have been temper tantrums. Yes, I have cried – yelled – demanded – begged – pleaded to distract me from how I feel inside.
Without food to stuff it all down – I need to be very, very kind to myselfÂ - because without food my coping mechanisms are stiff and stunted. They are difficult to access in a moment of crisis.
Without food, I get it wrong, a lot.
I apologize, a lot, for my brattiness,Â but I don’t feel sorry for living authentically.
This is really, quite exciting, and it will impact things around here, because, well, this site and all of you are my wildest dream come true. In 2012, there will be products, more, BETTER posts, gorgeous eLetters, dynamite facebook polls/banter/silliness, and continued twitter rabble-rousing. In 2012 there will be body-loving coaching – details will be delivered to the mailing list Monday night and to the rest of the world Tuesday.
The bar has been raised, and I am oh so grateful.