Attn: Marzipan, Have Become a Complete Nutcase

August 26, 2009

I am losing (have lost?) my mind. It appears that after the kajillionth week of working at least three too many jobs, begging the universe to bring me my future, scheming and processing and dreaming and processing some more, I have hit a wall. I am whiny. I am heartsick. I have bags under my eyes and acne and I need a haircut. My two sisters – whom I love more than life itself – are leaving in what is now FIVE days. FIVE DAYS. When I say I love them, let me be clear, I am minorly obsessed with my family. C always laughs at me when at any given point in the day all three sisters are slothed out on our couches watching HBO and eating chocolate cake, or showering, or giggling, or wearing one another’s clothing. They the most amazing people that I know.

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A couple of months ago I wrote a post about Learning To Let It Be Easy in which I describe my problem with transitional anxiety, in which I VOWED to replace the phrase “transitional anxiety” with the mantra “I move fluidly and happily from one exciting adventure to the next. I am safe and I have nothing to fear, because everything I need is right around me, at my fingertips.” I AM WRITING THIS ON A POST-IT AND ADHERING IT TO WHATEVER IS CLOSEST RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE ARE IN NEED OF A REMINDER.

So – in the same vein – today I read this great article on crazysexylife.com, which is amazing and completely worth checking out immediately. The post was entitled The Lovetarian Diet, in which author Gabrielle Bernstein “Firey Motivational Speaker.” The article was essentially about learning to let go of fear, because fear is an illusion and love is real, and nothing real can be threatened. The post concluded:

If you’re interested in these kinds of results begin your loveatarian diet today. Proceed with the following plan:

Breakfast: Pray to God/Universe/Inner Guide (or as Kris would say Jesus, Buddha, Elvis whatever)… Talk to whoever you think is listening and ask them for help. Ask the power greater than you to align your thoughts with love just for today. Following your prayer, add in a five minute meditation. In your meditation recite the mantra, “I choose love over fear, I welcome a miracle.” Repeat this out loud throughout your five minute meditation.

Snack: Make a list of all the people you need to forgive.

Lunch: Start forgiving. Go down the list and send a silent blessing to them all. Say out loud or in your mind, “I forgive you and I release you.”

Afternoon Snack: Send a loving email or text message to someone on your forgiveness list. Keep it simple. If you’re having a hard time forgiving just write, “I hope you’re having a great day.”

Dinner: Make a list of everything in your life that you’re grateful for that day.

Late Night Snack: Pray again. Thank (God/Universe or whoever you speak to) for another beautiful day. Say a prayer for anyone in need and everyone on your forgiveness list. Turn your day over and set your intention for a peaceful night sleep.

IMG_0186I needed this today. I am so tired of just freaking out and feeling small and lost and alone and as though no one around me is patient enough or willing to slow down enough to accommodate me. I will not belittle myself: I have been dealing with some major personal issues. And what at the surface feels like total grief and confusion over my sisters’ departure, is in fact one last episode in what has been complete OVERHAUL of my emotional sphere.  I suddenly have the capacity to accomplish so many things, and the drive and passion to complete those tasks. I, however, have also been rewarded for my new found strength and power by getting completely smacked in the face by issues in my past that I had been avoiding and/or had never known existed to begin with.

But for this exact moment, I need to remind myself that “I move fluidly and happily from one exciting adventure to the next. I am safe and I have nothing to fear, because everything I need is right around me, at my fingertips.” And slow down, to take things one step at a time.

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