I am generally a very fearful person. I grew up saying no automatically before I even considered the wonder and adventure of saying yes. For a period of time, from about six to eight I was awake. I would lie in bed, night after night terrified to roll over or shut my eyes paralyzed by the fear of what might happen if I let my guard down. I feared: loss of control, knives, guns, darkness, torture, bombs, murderers, robbers, and death. I feared that I would be raped if my foot hung out from underneath the covers. I learned to make myself small, squeezing between the bed and the wall, tucked away safe so no one could get me. Then I feared what would happen if my family was killed while I was so safely tucked away, and I was left alone.
I grew up a very cautious person. I no longer lie awake with the lights on every night, but I often find myself unable to sleep in the dark recesses of the night when the air is thick and I can’t stop thinking.
I haven’t really slept for two weeks.
This hasn’t happened to me in a long time, since before I met C because since I met her I’m rarely alone at night, but for the past two weeks I’ve been staring at the ceiling, at her face, at my phone, wondering what will happen to me.
I’ve been trying to manifest, but when everything in your life seems out of your control, it becomes difficult even to focus on one specific thing to visualize. I want so many things. Too many? Seems impossible, but true.
Yesterday I almost called the whole trip off, we are currently driving to Florida, because I was suddenly TERRIFIED and I was sure she was plotting against me, part of some ploy to distract me from my goals and mislead me. That’s what my fear sounds like – desperate, small, powerless.
You cannot feed this kind of fear. This includes: changing grand huge plans you’ve been dreaming up for months, not applying for programs or jobs just because the mere thought of actually obtaining them is terrifying, choosing to run instead of to love because it’s easier etc. etc. etc. This kind of fear needs to be told graciously to shut up because it’s over stayed it’s welcome.
When you don’t know what to focus on because everything seems to be spinning out of control – manifest mercy for the scared little girl that has your heart in it’s clutches and abundance for the adult you are trying to become. Manifest joy and adventure and happy endings.
Manifest putting one foot in front of the other and finding solid ground beneath it.
Breathe into your fear and wrangle it in.
Because you deserve more than living crippled and submissive to the countless fears available for your brain to conjure. You deserve the absolute best life you can imagine.