Long, long ago, before this little blog was born, I wrote for myself, by myself, in an attempt to process through all of the incidents that had occurred throughout my life, that I had allowed to lodge themselves deep in my heart and become toxic and surrounded by shame.
The thing about trauma is that it can occur at any time. It can occur when you are in a room full of people who are going about their day, none of whom seem to be impacted in the way that you are. It can occur by your own hand. It can be the result of one callous comment by one ill-meaning individual in a moment of anger.
Or, it can be one incident that is held on to, and allowed to fester and be compounded by each and every occurrence after that moment in time.
Before I started writing, I never told a single person about any of those events.
I was quite certain that if I were to say the words aloud that I would be confirming what I had always known was true, I was worthless and everyone else thought I was worthless too. I was certain that if I spoke the words, that Fat would echo itself around like a tennis ball hurled into an empty hallway.
The truth is that writing these memories down, and allowing others to read them, released me from the lifetime of shame I had been harboring. Writing here has provided me with the same comfort – releasing all of those fears that had anchored themselves close to my heart and making them public.
I wrote these secrets down and permitted myself a safe environment to relive the experiences I had been dreading with every ounce of my body. I made the conscious decision that I was worth that safety. I was worth revisiting the scenes that caused me so much pain, and I was worth rewriting them in my own words, reclaiming them for myself, and repurposing them to reach out to others.
Writing is just one creative means that can provide this type of release, I have also employed dancing, photography, and performance. I have annihilated my anxiety by pushing through it, and baring myself here, in the hopes that I can build something beautiful out of the wreckage of this pain. This blog is the result of these efforts, my beautiful gem, and I can honestly say that writing for you here has healed that part of my heart.
Thank you so much for being along for the ride.
This post is a part of the blogger series Self Discovery Word by Word. This month’s word is Creativity, prompted by the ever fabulous Margarita of the PsychCentral blog Weightless. Stay tuned for her Creativity link round-up towards the end of the month.
How has creativity helped you along your body image journey? Have you ever tried writing memories down in an effort to reclaim those painful experiences?