This submission comes to us an anonymous contribution to Teen Week from an amazing and brave woman in our community. I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for having the strength to share this story here, and all of you for bearing witness.
The TRUTH: IT IS NOT YOU and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
The LIE: Everything ELSE…
Tuck this away inside your heart and carry it with you for the rest of your life…and YES.. you will find that someone, that very, very, very special someone who will ride up on a white horse and rescue you…save you from all of this. Save you from all the pain that you learned to escape from.
All those years that you were scared to death…it will be your strength. He will NOT succeed in trying to kill you or Mom when you finally tell the secret. You will learn NOT to abandon yourself.
Even now, so many years later, you will not understand but you will learn many ways to deal with the emotional pain.
The memory of the night that changed your life…Changed you….That night you were forced to abandon yourself for your own protection, your own sanity. That night that the final boundary was crossed when you were forced to give up what should have been sacred, that night that it became way too much, the night you finally took a stand and told him NO MORE or I WILL TELL… that night you were raped by someone who was suppose to be family, and love and protect you, that night that you checked out of your body and your life, that night that seemed like a horror movie as you watch from outside your body, that rape by a someone who claimed to love you, claimed to be family, who was such a charming, loving, giving person by day, but monster by night…. The memories of all those lost little girl years that lead up to that horrific night…Even today, so very many years later, YOU will not find the answers to help you understand WHY you had to go through those 7 years before you even turn 15. All you have are those memories that WILL continue to linger.. they will pop in and out, but you will find that very special someone who will love you, take care of you, and never ever leave you.
You will eventually stop trying to kill yourself. You will find that life really is worth living. That YOU are worth it. The boys and men that give you attention now, will be NOTHING like the men you will meet later in your life. You will stop abusing yourself; filling your body with toxic smoke to create a smoke screen of false protection; the cutting on yourself because that is the only pain that brings you back to what is real. You will switch the cutting to continuing to starve yourself and then make yourself so “stuffed” that the physical feeling makes you feel alive. You will learn that your body is NOT your enemy and that it will become something you treasure, no matter what size you are. You will learn that the weight does NOT keep the pain away. Yes, the physical pain will be many, many, many times less than the emotional pain inside but once you realize that you are lovable and you are worth it..It will all change again.
You will learn the difference between real love and just sex.
You will learn that you are smart, beautiful, intelligent and that girls ARE NOT second class or weak.
You will learn that you don’t NEED to abandon YOU to survive.
You will learn the TRUTH:
The TRUTH: Believing in the WHOLE package of you is the beauty and love of the white horse.
The LIE: Everything else