Now, as a body image blogger, and a human being, this week is always almost unbearable. Believe me, I love the promise of a fresh start just as much as the next girl. I love the new year. I love making plans and lists, and I love feeling like I’ve been granted a fresh start.
What I do not like are the traumatic stress flashbacks to every single new years of my youth wherein I begged and pleaded with my body to please please let this be the year, please just GET skinny. I do not miss the this year I will lose 50 pounds goals or ultimatums or deadlines. I do not miss how badly I felt when it suddenly was the end of the year, and I still hated my body.
So this year, instead of just reverting to my typical anti-resolution stance, I have opted instead for a clinical assessment of 2010, a revamping of my goals and plans, and I intend to do all of that with serious sweetness and love for myself – because I am worth it.
- in 2010 I got into five grad schools. I crossed my fingers and jumped at the school that logistically made the most sense, and allowed me to see my sweetheart with more regularity. In doing this, I made a serious commitment: to her, to myself, to my future. I just finished my first semester, got my ass HANDED TO ME, literally – it has been the most difficult and most exhilarating experience of my life.
- travelled to Vieques, Puerto Rico and worked as a pizza girl for the winter, blogged from my iPhone, lived out of a shockingly small suitcase, and I did not die, become broke, or get swept out to sea. Lesson: living on the edge, without much of a plan does not have to be scary.
- I got engaged. I mean, like really engaged. Like, you call up your Catholic Italian-American Great Grandmother and say “Guess what?!” aaaand that was really terrifying. That said, it was the right thing to do. Sometimes, being queer, still pretty terrifying when outside of my little bubble – but I put my brave face on and it is so, so worth it. Also, I brought Cookie to my family’s christmas party. In Jersey. Enough said.
- I moved to Cambridge, and into my very first apartment. I have a roommate, who is fantastic. I am still obsessing about whether or not it is ok to put holes in the walls.
- My anxiety has been hitting record levels. I panic approximately 70% of the day. I take deep breaths, because intellectually, I know I am safe.
- My eating habits this year have been exceedingly lackluster. I have been moving too quickly, and I have NOT been putting my body and health first.
- This blog has reached more people than I could have EVER, EVER imagined. I had a goal of having 500 subscribers by 2011 – today I have 547. Last year at this time, I had 43. I LOVE YOU. This blog is going to so well, that I have decided to kick it up a notch and apply for some really hard to get but fabulously compelling eating disorder placements for my second year placement as a social work student. I am terrified, but I am going for it.
- My body feels old. Seriously old. Too old for a 25 year old. I chalk this up to – not enough consistent exercise, eating things that I can carry in my hand while running to my next appointment, too much coffee, not enough sleep (laptop IN bed, such a no no), not seeing a doctor in *ahem* several years, and not paying attention to my body’s needs and wants.
Deep breath. Ok. And now, the 2011 list.
In 2011, I will:
- travel to Boulder to visit my little sister.
- begin (AND complete) Couch to 5k. It has been such a dream of mine, for as such a long time.
- take deep breaths. always. also, find a therapist – it’s time.
- become a morning person.
- release my memoir as an ebook right here, for all of you – if you like kick ass stories about where it all began, the middle where it hurt really badly and I was reckless, and the end where I came out amazingly, relatively unscathed.
- plan my wedding. on a budget. and it’s going to be so beautiful.
- eat gluten free. again – it’s time. you. are. allergic. get. with. the. program.
- stop taking anything to help me sleep at night. allow my body to get into a natural rhythm. stop when i’m tired.
- make a doctor’s appointment – get it all squared away, in one fell swoop.
- get all A’s next semester.
- apply AND get the placement of my dreams for next year.
- love myself, to the absolute best of my abilities, and be sweet to myself because we all need a break sometimes – and the world is not going to end if you aren’t perfect or if you just want to take a nap.
- Medicinal Marzipan makeover – WATCH OUT.
How do you guys feel about resolutions? Good? Bad? What exciting things have you resolved to do in 2011??