365 Days of Deserving: Randi Buckley

November 09, 2012

I just love to hear how people answer the deceptively simple question: “What do you think you deserve?” Thus, I have launched a quest to interview many of my heroes and compatriots this year, in an attempt to share their teachings around deserving with my tribe – you.

365 Days of Deserving is a monthly interview series where I will feature a conversation with one entrepreneur, rock star, soul-searcher, expert craftsman, money maven, or heartfelt teacher per month.This interview series will be part School-of-Deserving pragmatics and part divine secrets passed down from a lineage of gorgeous, inspiring, and wonderful women.

Under the umbrella of deserving, each month will have a particular focus to compliment the interviewee’s superpowers and master talents.

November’s focus is:

You deserve… to speak your truth, even (and especially) when it’s difficult.

Randi Buckley has been described by those closest to her as, “equal parts Pema Chodron, Sofia Loren and Clint Eastwood, with a splash of George Carlin.” She is a life coach, hard-truth talker, and the creator of products that encourage women to begin to step into their truths and begin transforming their inner and interpersonal struggles.

Confession: I just adore Randi Buckley’s writing. I was introduced to her when she was a resident writer over at Roots of She, and I have just loved everything that she’s put out ever since.

I am so excited to be able to share this interview with you! Unfortunately, a technological glitch really distorted the image, so instead I pulled the sound for an easily downloadable and highly inspirational interview. Listen to the 15 minute interview below by pressing play or save it to your computer by clicking this link.

Listen to the interview here:

[haiku url=”http://www.maraglatzel.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/365DaysRandiBuckley.mp3″ title=”365 Days of Deserving: Randi Buckley”]

Transcription of the interview:

Mara:  All right!  Welcome to the newest installment of 365 Days of Deserving.  I’m really, really excited today to have Randi Buckley with me – she’s one of my absolute favorite coaches and writers on the internet, and I’m super-thrilled to be able to share her work with you.  I think that a lot of her work is really brave and really revolutionary, and I get a lot out of it, so I’m excited to bring it to Medicinal Marzipan today.  So, Randi, I’ll have you introduce yourself a little bit.

Randi:  Wow, I got a little surge when you said all that!  That’s really very generous of you, thanks.  Whooo!  So, they call me Randi, Randi Buckley, and in my coaching work and my emerging writing I really like to stand in the fire, and at the crossroads.  Whether that be really big decisions that they’re making, or tricky-sticky conversations that they need to have, with themselves or with others, and really try to find their Truth and then speak it.  That’s what I do.  And I love it!

Mara: Excellent, and you’re really good at it.  So, um, I’m curious: around this idea of deserving, what do you think you deserve out of your life?  How does this idea of deserving manifest in your day-to-day?

Randi:  I think there are a couple ways deserving manifests.  I think there’s what we wish we thought we deserved, and there’s what we think we deserve.  And those are two different things, and we generally get what we think we deserve.  I think that’s probably not a surprise to the people watching…listening to this.  But it’s something that we have to be really cognizant of, and aware of, that we can actually lean a lot more into the what you want part of that equation.

Mara:  So, what do you want?  What does your ideal day look like?

Randi:  My ideal day is either in, I’m waking up in Southern California, where I spent the weekend, or in Norway.  And it starts with my little guy, who’s almost 24 months – that’s a big part of that – and then it seems to involve sunshine, and it involves this really fun coaching practice, and really good care for him, which I’m still looking for.

Mara: Excellent.  Well, it definitely seems like, with a lot of your work, like you’re inventing the path.  You work for yourself, you have this practice that you’ve developed and these amazing courses for women that you’ve created.  And so I’m curious, have you always made up your own rules in that way?  Or is that something that’s more of a new phenomenon for you?

Randi:  It’s…I’ve always made my decisions in different ways.  Sometimes those have been in the context of other structures, and that works a little bit different than it does right now.  Right now, it feels like it’s the Wild West, in terms of picking out what you want to do and doing it.  And I love things that involve making up your own rules.  Because they can change, even the ones that we make up.  Sometimes they no longer serve you, so you’re constantly evolving from those rules.  But pretty much, I’d always had a little bit of an outlaw, a rebel, in me, so I was interested in finding out what really works – not just for me, but for other individuals, for people.  Because the same rules aren’t going to work for everybody, the same instructions.  So essentially, really finding that authentic resonance.  And continuing from there.

Mara:  I really love that, too, because I think that for me, one of my – the things that really feels good to me, is reserving the right to change my own mind.  And that’s that huge idea of deserving, it’s like, “I deserve to change my own mind if what I’m doing isn’t working for me, or if it seems like I’m going need to take it back to the drawing board, or whatever happens in the day.”  So I’m curious if there are moments that you could remember, where you weren’t honoring your authentic self, or if something was happening for you that you realized you really had to pull back and write a new narrative, create a new lifestyle, or radically change things?

Randi:  I think it’s – yeah, it’s happened a lot.  [laughs]  Over and over again.  And I don’t think there’s a problem with that.  I think essentially we’re always kind of peeling back to the core, and I really have this belief that we are always our authentic self.  Sometimes we’re more of our authentic self, you know, even if it’s just 2% of something that we’re doing that feels right.  It’s not true, but there’s something in it that resonates with us on some level.  So we experiment with it.  We try that, and then we find, hell.  That’s not working!  And it’s actually been, at times, where I haven’t honored that, where I’ve really had a hard time; mentally, emotionally, or physically gotten ill.  Something wasn’t right, and sometimes it can be, the Universe takes a 2×4 to my head to help me see the light.  Painful at the time, but really helpful.  I think it’s something that we’re constantly doing, going through that, and peeling back the layers so we’re getting closer to the core.  All the time.

Mara:  Excellent, that’s a really good answer.  So I’m curious, you know, we’ve already talked sort of about how, in your ideal day, your coaching practice is a big part of that.  But I’m wondering what other aspects of your life really light you up?  Like, even things like, meals you like to eat, or places you really like to go, things that, you know, vibrate or resonate for you on a really high level?

Randi:  A good meal will always, always vibrate at a very high level for me!  [laughs]  Yeah, I really, really love that.  I really love going to movies.

Mara:  What kind of movies do you like?

Randi:  I like all sorts of movies.  I don’t like apocalyptic alien movies, or aliens-are-coming movies, but I like all sorts of other movies.  I really dig that.  It does seem like a really long time since I’ve been able to get into a book, like, sit down and have the time to get through a book.  Which is delicious.  What else lights me up?  A lot of things.  Sometimes just the company I’m with.  I’m very happy to very spend time by myself, and I actually really need that. And having delicious wonderful company – whether it’s the old friends I’m reconnecting with or new friends or people just that there is something so cool about them.  And dark chocolate.  That will always do that, in any situation. [laughs]

Mara:  That’s crucial, dark chocolate.  Absolutely.  So I’m curious, in terms of the – especially your connections with other people, or with the people who are really important to you in your own life, I’m wondering how those relationships and connections are enriched by your ability to be courageous and speak your truths, and really honor those conversations that are more difficult to have?  Cause I think for a lot of people, they don’t necessarily have those conversations because they’re frightening, or overwhelming, and they also don’t reap the benefits of really being themselves or allowing themselves to shine in the context of their relationships.

Randi:  I feel like if you’re avoiding – you’re going to have to repeat some of that, because it’s such a rich question – but when you really go out of your way to avoid touchy topics or key conversations, particularly conversations with people you care about, you’re essentially putting part of your mask on.  You’re not being your full self with them.  Not that you have to blurt everything out and just resolve it.  But it’s a little bit like this: it’s that little pebble in your shoe, that’s always there when you go to walk together, that’s rubbing, rubbing, and it may not be a big thing.  You may be like “Meh, I’m not picking the pebble out of my shoe.”  But it becomes a big thing a little while into the walk, and it’s not even  just about the two of you; it really becomes painful for you.  And you don’t know what it’s getting in the way of, what it’s preventing you from.  You could – to use this analogy – could have gone a different direction to walk in, you could have gone further, done something really, really exceptional.  But there’s that rubbing, when we’re not able to share whatever that thing is, or share how we’re feeling, in that relationship – that comes up.  It becomes a part of the relationship.  It becomes part of the constellation of it.  And whether or not you’re aware of it, just like any constellation it has gravitational pulls on the rest of the relationship.

Mara:  Excellent.

Randi:  And if there’s more to that question that I didn’t answer, cause I got really deep into that relationship, then ask.

Mara:  No, I think that that’s really, really good.  Because I do believe that the analogy is really excellent.  And so I’m curious what sorts of brave words you might have for somebody who was listening to you say that and realized, “Oh my god, I have a pebble in my shoe, and I’ve been limping around with this pebble, and now…now what?”  You know?  What’s something that maybe they could begin to do to be more honest, even just with themselves, about what they might be avoiding?

Randi:  I think, first of all, getting really clear on what that pebble is, and knowing what would be possible without it.  I think that’s really – often coaches want you to see the pain in something, really feel pain before you switch it.  That can be effective.  But if you can also see the possibility if it were working, you can see what’s possible, and really see what that issue is.  But also, when you asked that what came to mind is, really being clear about why you want this settled.  What’s important to you about this?  What could it change for you?  And really knowing, particularly when you’re about to have that kind of conversation with somebody else, knowing what your bottom line is.  By that I mean: what do you want them to know?  And how do you want it to land?  What’s at stake for them?  Because I think if you’re able to factor in the “what’s at stake for them”, essentially put yourself in their shoes, you’re really able to claim it differently, so it can land in a really great place.

Mara:  Excellent!  Well I think that is a wonderful bit of advice, and also a great place to wrap up.  I want to thank you so much for honoring me by coming into my site, and sharing your really wise and kind words with my audience.  And I was wondering if there were any last couple of things that you felt like you wanted to say on this topic, or anything you would want the readers to take away or to know about you or your work?

Randi:  Well, thank you for having me.  It probably goes without saying, but I want to say that.  And that…that thing you can’t articulate, becomes the thing that directs you.  And what can move you forward.  And so you’re able to name that…naming that, and getting clear on how it can be different without that, or honoring it, can make all the difference.  This small shift could end up with a different social scene, on a different shore.  It’s worth it.  It’s worth exploring.  I’m happy to talk to people about that.  That lights me up.

Mara:  I love that!  Absolutely.  And you have two wonderful programs, that should not go without saying, that people can use to begin to have those difficult conversations.  One is the “Maybe, Baby” course, which is both an e-course and a self-study version, right?  And you also have a new product, which is for having these difficult conversations, so I will definitely direct people to your site in the comments, or the text below.  People should check you out.  So thank you so much!

Randi:  My pleasure.  Thanks for having me!

Mara:  You’re welcome.