Oooooh be careful, you’re in danger of becoming a Bridezilla!
If I never hear the word “Bridezilla” again, it will be too soon.
When I was engaged, I lived in fear of becoming a Bridezilla! Or of letting my inner Bridezilla show.
The second that I had an emotion, I’d cringe with the fear of being called a Bridezilla by someone else.
I fancied myself a relatively calm bride-to-be. I didn’t order my bridesmaids into outrageously expensive or terribly ugly outfits. I did cry hysterically for a week when my wedding dress came, and then had to have it completely remade – three weeks before the big day. But then I pulled my shit together, found a tailor (who hands down saved my wedding), and figured it out with the help of my amazing family and fiance. I wrote the ceremony, and it was lovely. We managed a fantastic combination of DIY and getting fed up with our ambition, only to eventually hire someone to do it for us.
Now here’s the thing of it, and I find myself barely able to write these words: being a bride was really tough for me, emotionally.
I hated how upon becoming engaged women were supposed to naturally morph into some sort of multi-tasking, crafty person, and suddenly finding themselves only able to carry on conversations about grosgrain ribbon or cupcake flavors.
Most of all, I hated how alone I felt in feeling that way.
I’ve been sitting on this post for quite some time, because I didn’t want to sound ungrateful or unloving.
Because it was my big day. And I was supposed to be blissfully happy.
This is not about not loving my wife or my family or my friends – this is about how profoundly difficult it was for me to organize an event where myself and my relationship were the center of attention.
This is about my feeling as though I wasn’t worth celebrating, on a very primal, childlike level.
Because, despite all of the work that I’d done, as big events and the arrival of many family members often does – my wedding brought up a litany of deep fear and hurt and uncertainty, about my own self-worth.
The truth is, when the day arrived, all of these fears melted away because I didn’t have a time for anything other than putting one foot in front of the other. When the day arrived – I opened myself up to the abundance of sparkly, gorgeous love around me. I didn’t say a single negative word to myself or anyone else about anything that “went wrong.” Everything was imperfectly gorgeous and heartfelt.
That said, I wanted to write this post just in case there were a few of you out there who found yourself stressed and frightened and overwhelmed by the wedding process, who didn’t salivate at the meer thought of creating programs, and who just wished they could dump the whole tented-extravaganza in favor of a backyard potluck.
The only one single thing about my wedding experience that I would take back is how long it took for me to say something about how I was struggling. I wish that I had reached out to others, so that I wouldn’t have felt so guilty fighting until the late hours of the night with my fiance about flower arrangements or tearing up every single time I thought about how I wished that my Grandmother were still alive to see me walk down the aisle.
Because at my very core I believe this:
By talking about the things that are hard for us – the moments that stick in our mind, mucking about and kicking up old triggers and hurts we thought we’d tucked away for good – we are collectively stronger for it.
Not only can we heal ourselves, but we can heal our community by being upfront with our fears and hardships. If we are to deserve the best possible days and life that we can imagine for ourselves – we deserve to be proactive in chipping away at the guilt and shame build-up that we accumulate when we suffer silently.
And if, on the off chance, you have difficulty being the center of attention or being celebrated publicly, because at one point in your life you were made to feel deeply unacceptable or unworthy, I wanted to say this to you:
You are so unbelievably beautiful and worthy – you deserve to have the utmost care, love, and support all the time, but most of all on days when you are celebrating huge life-changing events. Let the love in, and don’t be afraid. You deserve everything good that is coming your way.