Ask Marzipan: How Can I Be a Better Top When I Am the Physically Weaker One in the Relationship?

March 27, 2009

Alright. So here is our first Ask Marzipan question:

I like to physically dominate, but how do I do this when I’m in bed with a person who weighs more than twice what I do?  I’m the weakest I’ve been since I was 12, and I’m intimidated by this person’s physique because I feel like I can’t fulfill the top role we both  of us want me to have without being ashamed of my weakness.

Now, I’ve been ruminating on this question for admittedly much too long, wondering exactly how best to answer.  And basically, I just keep coming back to confidence in your abilities and quelling a fear of intimacy.  Now, admittedly, these are basic answers and you might be thinking, well, duh I already thought of those things, but the truth is that being powerful is SCARY. Being a top is SCARY, especially for women, double especially if you are a woman having sex with men, even if you and your partner so desperately want you to fill that role. Women are still taught to be sweet and submissive and loving and attentive, by society, even if you grow up in a progressive area with progressive feminist parents who assure you that you can grow up to be whatever you want to be.  Even when encouraged to be sexually liberated, the message consists of words like “lady on the streets, but a freak in the sheets.”

All of that aside, it is also deeply, deeply frightening for most people to really let themselves go sexually and otherwise, instead allowing themselves to move daily only within the close confines of the person we think we should be, acting the way we think we should act, because should we allow others full access to our true selves we run the risk of being rejected at our most vulnerable.  To this I reply: be brave. I feel vulnerable 99% of the time. I walk around with thin skin and worry constantly what others think of me. Sexually, if I am to be most honest, I am terrified. It doesn’t matter how many people I’ve been with, what I weigh, or how confident I am otherwise, there is just something about being naked with someone else and their expectations. And then it’s as if everything else is being thrown out the window. The truth is, confidence is sexy. But, how can you feel confident when your every thought is questioned as it echoes in your head?

I find that the ability to relax and allow myself vulnerability without it being debilitating requires several key components, the two most important being:

  1. trust in my partner and their intentions
  2. summoning every ounce of faith in myself and confidence that I can muster and then turning my brain off.

Stop thinking.  Stop worrying that you won’t be good, sexy, strong, satisfying, competent etc. etc. etc. enough. If confidence is sexy, worrying is decidedly NOT sexy, and allowing your fears to get in the way of your connection with you partner will only make you feel further away, alienated, and scared. Stop feeling ashamed, because you are a good enough and sexy enough and satisfying and competent, and instead tap into the good things about yourself that you know to be true.

I used to be so ashamed of my body, that when I was in a sexual situation I would cower and turn the light off and sneak around, but then one day I decided to force myself to realize that there was a reason that person was lying in bed next to me.  And when I say force, I truly mean force. I mean telling myself every single day, a hundred times if necessary, until I slowly began to believe it.

Boiled down, my advice is really just: have confidence in yourself. Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses (we all have them, and mostly we are too consumed with our own to even notice yours), and do NOT let it keep you from being as sexy and hot and dominant as you could possibly imagine yourself to be in your wildest dreams. Because most of all, once you view yourself that way, so will your partner and just about everyone else, and then think about what fun you will be having…