Giving Myself Permission to Eat

January 12, 2012

I have always used food to shut myself up.

I remember a day when I was 21, and I was in a relationship that was a really poor fit for me.  I thought to myself, I have to keep myself really quite small to fit into the box that this person has me in.

Well, folks, I hate to have to admit to you myself – I have been in a poor-fit-relationship with myself for much longer than that and this box is suffocating me.

I am in that box and I have always used food to keep myself chained up there. I stuff in it my mouth. I stuff down my feelings. I keep myself small, hobbled.

I am in that box, even though I know better.

Somewhere, really deep somewhere, there is a little voice that is only trained to think, this is what you deserve, now hurry on up and SHUT UP before we get left again. Because we are unlovable.

That little voice knows only one thing: No one will stick around, because I am too much.

The emotional effect is this: Be quiet. Pull yourself together. Be good. Be nice.  Be helpful. Be seductive. Be pretty.

The physiological effect is: A hand-to-mouth movement that skips like a record. Hand-to-mouth. Hand-to-mouth. Repeat.

Sometimes it is this: There is not enough food in the world to fix the hole that I’ve got in my heart.

No matter what the effect, the impact is the same – stuff some food over it, bury it down deep, shut it up, keep it small, box it up.

Sometimes, the first step out of our heads + hearts is the simple acknowledgment that that voice exists.

To acknowledge that YES she is squawking away down there about all that you are unlovable business, but she is a little kid! That is the only tool she has to cope. It’s like a one trick pony down there. Yeah yeah you suck, eat some food.

Luckily, I’m not that little kid anymore, and as an adult, I can give myself the permission to deal with how I eat.

I can give myself permission to eat, because I like how something tastes.

I can give myself permission to eat, because I believe food has the power to heal.

And, just like I can give myself permission to eat, I can give myself permission to deserve more from my life by reducing the frequency with which I permit that voice to run the show.

Today, I’ve decided to take a break from they mayhem and treat my body with tenderness.