I Have Suffered Enough + So Have You

March 11, 2010

I’ve spent the week thinking about the myriad of ways that I want to spend the next twenty-five years of my life. I’ve been focusing on the elements in my life that haven’t been serving me well, or assisting me in reaching my fullest potential.

And I’ve decided that I have suffered enough. I have let months go by without moving my body the slightest amount. I have consumed forkful upon forkful, far surpassing my body’s natural breaking point. I have piled on heaps of unnecessary security blankets, fearful of moments of vulnerability. I have said yes so many times when I wanted to say no, and vice versa. I have been afraid, and I have made terrible choices.

But it has not been all bad. My body, my relationships, my experiences, have all culminated in allowing me to become a person that I admire. I have pulled it together when I’ve dropped my basket. I am proud of my accomplishments.

And I want more of them.

And I’m really excited that I feel that way.

For many years, I allowed my body to define me. I let it tell me when I was being too smart, too sexy, to motivated. I let it tell me when I was taking up too much space and when to shut up. I let it reign me in when I was too excited or passionate – when I felt it would be *improper* for a woman of my size to exude such unbelievable confidence.

Today I stumbled upon at #plussizebloggers chat, whereupon I was first excited and then saddened that it was a compilation of bloggers who were supporting one another’s weight loss attempts. Can’t a blogger (and a person for that matter) be plus
size and exist in a realm other than a continual weight loss cycle?

I am not in anyway against people who are working hard to lose weight, become healthier, or more physically fit. In fact I am often in awe of those who have accomplished the monumentous feats that I have often dreamed of. I’m just wondering if we can learn, as a culture, and as a blogging community, to love ourself now, exactly as we are today? Is it possible to learn to love every dimple, curve, amount of cellulite?

I want to move and eat well because it allows my brain, body, and heart to feel better. I want to quit allowing the size of my jeans to dictate the amount of success I feel I’m worthy of garnering for myself. I want to love my flaws today, utilizing the kajillion moments I’ve spent daily assessing and planning and condemning and make things around me more beautiful.

And I want you to feel courageous enough to do the same.

With love, xoxox.