If You’ve Ever Been Told You’re Too Much

If you’ve ever been told that you are too much…

Too big.

Too bright.

Too intense.

If you’ve ever been made to feel that you need to dull down your brightness, your beauty.

To dumb down your words.

To fit into a box that is much too small for the magnificence of your being.

That somehow, by being the person that you are, you believe that you’ll snatch that opportunity away from everyone else.

If you have allowed those messages to catch you up, take your breath away, and teach you how to relate to the world by shrinking and hiding from the full breadth of the amazing, deep, creative and gorgeous person that you are…

This post is for you.

Have you ever been told that you are too much? This one's for you gorgeous. I'm so glad you're here. There was a time in my life when I stood shoulders hunched, knees bound together, sweating over the work that it was requiring to keep myself as small as possible.

The implication here was dual-fold: keeping the expanse of my beautiful body as small as possible in a perpetual apology for my size and keeping my thoughts, passion, and liveliness as quiet and stunted as I could in an attempt to not intimidate.

I had learned that I was too much , too big, to expressive. I apologized for my quickness of speech, the way that I hopped up out of my seat when I was really turned on about something. I apologized for my grades, lying about or hiding my successes.

I told myself that what I was doing was polite.

I told myself that “nice women” make space for others to feel good about themselves, even if it comes as the expense of denying our own inherent goodness.

I told myself that it was arrogant to talk about my skills, my gifts, or to discuss money – period.

I told myself that no one would give a shit about anything good about me, until I lost weight, had cash, had a partner, ________.
I used those obstacles to deny myself entry to the life that I desperately wanted for myself.

I was lying my ass off.

Here’s the thing – we are born to sparkle. We are born to live lives that are firmly entrenched in the beauty that lights us up and makes us tick.

We are meant to USE our gifts.

And yet, for so many of us – the “too much” – we are living lives bound by our own complex set of rules. The rules that we designed to dictate how we fit in, how we keep others around, how we dim our own lights to sweetly make space for others to shine.

This post is a humble request to encourage you to step squarely into your own brilliance, as I step into mine in front of you.

You do not have to apologize for the full magnitude of the person that you are.

For having too many interests.

For being too passionate.

For your strange parts or secret parts or underutilized parts.

This post is a love note to the women who were told that good women just don’t behave that way.

It is a love note to you as much as myself.

It is a public invitation to reclaim your life.

How many moments have you let others take what you wanted, because you knew you could have another idea and well, they really wanted it, so…?

How many times have you kept my mouth shut when your heart was beating a million beats a moment and your inner light was tripping over herself she was so ecstatic about what you were doing?

How many times have you told myself – it’s already been done?

How have you made excuses, played pretend, or minimized the significance of what you wanted, so as to mitigate the future pain of not succeeding?

This is a post about stepping into your life, utterly and completely.

And yet, it is not a post about perfection. It is about accepting yourself fully, and yes, that does mean loving up your least shiny parts. It means buddying up next to your inner critic and striking up a compassionate conversation.

It means saying to yourself, it may not always be pretty, but at least it’s all mine.

 


Is this you?

There is room here for you to shine as brightly as you are able.

Let me support you as you step into your power and reclaim your life, from one “too much” woman to another.

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21 thoughts on “If You’ve Ever Been Told You’re Too Much”

  1. I know you’re a married lady Mara, but I could kiss you full on the mouth right now. I don’t even know what to add except that this post gave me goosebumps. Thank you for writing it.

  2. Yup! This is me too. I think of “Too Sensitive” “Too Emotional” as what describes me. And then I start pointing it out just confirming this truth. But I sincerely wish I was less emotional and sensitive sometimes because it’s just exhausting! But I guess it is a part of me..

  3. I always hated the phrase “too much.” I never understood what it meant. I heard it whenever I would be myself un-self-consciously.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have goosebumps too. Thank you.

  4. A very powerful post, Mara. Women often, including myself, live in the shadow of others, or even other women who would rather have you be downtrodden than glorious. Thanks for writing and making us think about “stepping into our lives, utterly and completely.” 🙂

  5. It is so sad to me how common this is. But you nailed it! Thank you for this post and a reminder that I don’t have to lessen myself for others. I deserve to be fully me, beautiful flaws and all.

  6. “You do not have to apologize for the full magnitude of the person that you are.”

    I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

    Thank you for writing it. Too many people in the last few weeks have told me that I’m too passionate, too opinionated, too ready to give my opinion.

    Well, tough. I have always been who I am, and after my husband died unexpectedly a few years ago, I realized that life is too short.

    I’m gonna shine baby.

  7. Glory hallelujah. Women NEED to read more stuff like this. It’s OK to be intense, passionate, quirky, radical, fierce, badass, full-on … whatever you wanna call it. It’s OK to be you, your fullest self, your most radiant self, glowing with all the love and juicy goodness you’ve got to give. It really is.

    It’s not just OK, it’s ESSENTIAL. We have got to step our game up and stop listening to those who would undersize and dim us; it’s their fault they can’t handle our magnificence, not ours.

    Thanks for this, Mara. Really. Big hugs and huge love, mama! 😀

  8. Yes! – I’ve been realizing that it’s still why I’m staying “not visible” in so many ways. Always encouraging others to step into the spotlight and shrinking back myself.

    No longer. Like a moth emerging from a chrysalis I’m in the process of emerging, and once out there will be no going back inside 😉

  9. THANK YOU! I know what it means. My mother was the first who hated this “too much” in me. Too clever, too brilliant, too sensual, too cultivated etc etc. She’s old now and she’s still trying to kill the wonderful person I feel and am. I’ve always reacted very powerfully, but then I married someone who did exactly the same as her and somehow this filth has poisoned all my life. Then I realized that it was THEIR problem, THEIR misearble inner emptiness. But being too much is always challenging for others to accept who is more and different. The answer? Just what you said: just ignore them!
    Thanks for this.

    • Ooh Francesca! I love this comment – thank you. It is true, it’s about THEM. Bravo to you for letting your clever, brilliant, sensual light shine. xo

  10. This post is a reminder to me – I’ve already stepped out of the shadows and started playing bigger.

    I actually have a coworker (or 5) that really dislike this, especially because I am well-liked at our workplace w/little effort while they’re not, and I scored the best in our most recent set of reviews.

    This is a great reminder to tell them to kiss my arse when they’re being gits (though that’s probably not what you were going for when you wrote this). XD

  11. I really don’t know how to tell you how much this resonates with me. Wow. I will be thinking about this again and again over the coming weeks I know. Thank you for writing this : )

  12. I have felt this way but I never let it stop me from being myself and interpreted discouragement and encouragement. I have never felt the need to stop shining until recently; I do not own a car and I half to walk to about 35 minutes to class everyday, I have always been interested in fashion and make up– I look good for myself, NOT for other people. I have never felt self-conscious about this until recently; everyday cars slow down and offer me rides, ask for my name; I am starting to be afraid of being taken an thrown into a car.. calling to much attention to myself for being myself, being raped/robbed/followed home … do you have any advice for this?

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