Learning to be the Most Amazing Person in the Room

May 22, 2009

Even when you feel anything but. And I have been feeling anything but, let me tell you.  Lately I’ve had a swollen face, strained vocal cords (though some might find this sexy – I found it burdensome), frizzy hair, and an awkward body that feels disconnected and overwhelming. All I’ve wanted to wear were sweat pants four sizes too big and a yellow college sweatshirt that falls frumpily to my knees.  I haven’t felt even 1/10th sexy.

And yet, in an energy healing session that I had this week, I was told that my biggest challenge to meet is to begin to conceptualize of myself as the most attractive, most sought after, brightest and sparkliest woman in the room. Now, this is not a small task for anyone to undertake. I am absolutely positive that there is not a soul who exists in the world who feels this way about themselves 100% of the time, and yet this is the task in front of me.

I know why she told me this was important. I know that even when I’ve been feeling my best and most attractive, I have never, ever, not even on the best possibly dream day thought of myself this way.  Unfortunately, I have most often thought quite the opposite. That said, I have been working on my self perception and image for many years now, following a much damaging and diet-fear-rejection-pain-shame filled childhood and adolescence. I have been working, daily, coaching myself and consciously re-patterning my negative thought patterns.

And, for a while, I was feeling pretty confident. But, for that while, I was also as thin as I’ve ever been in recent memory. And I am not that thin anymore. The story is vaguely typical: I was feeling confident, because I was feeling confident I attracted the most amazing person, I fell in love, she cooked me approximately one million and one midnight quesadilla/cupcake/nacho/cheesecake/DELICIOUS midnight snacks, and my weight ballooned to more than it had been in about three years. And I was in love, so I didn’t freak out when my body felt lethargic and out-of-bounds because I wasn’t necessarily trying to impress anyone.

For me it has never been about the numbers on the scale, but rather the way my body feels as I carry it around with me, or try to dress it in the morning. I am generally happy and confident as long as I fit in what I want to wear and I can move freely and with relative ease.  It is safe to say that returning from Puerto Rico I was not feeling this way.

So, the battle has been again really refocusing and changing my mindset, repeatedly telling myself nice things all day long until the y become ingrained. I think telling yourself you are beautiful and really honestly trying to believe it with your whole heart (repeatedly and every five minutes if thats what it takes) is MOST important when you are feeling badly.  It is easy to love yourself when you’ve been good, or when you’ve been exercising, or when your jeans are too big, but it is not easy to love yourself when you feel disgusting. And it is when you are feeling badly that you deserve your own support the most, don’t you think?

So maybe today tell yourself something nice once or, you know, a hundred times, and hopefully it will bring you just a little closer to feeling like the most amazing person in the room.