It has been that kind of day. The kind where you wake up and your throat hurts and you had dreams you had the spins or 125 whales were beached under hills of sand and you are grumpy and why won’t the coffee just make itself and you need a re-do, but there’s no time. Unfortunately I’ve been having days like this for the past four days, and everyone’s patience (my own included) is wearing thin.
I’ve never been good with change. I get transitional anxiety that feels so thick I get lost and forget where I was going and somehow my shoes have been sucked into quicksand and I’m perpetually late. It’s time for another summer, time to kick my energy into overhaul and buckle down, and yet, somehow, that seems like the absolute last possible thing that I can possibly get myself to do.
Upon arriving home tonight, I was looking quickly through my google reader, and I came across a post on Peace of Mind Organizing entitled, It should be easy, in which the author reflects upon the words of life coach Michael Neill when he stated (repeatedly, as he should, since it is a very good point): “Why is so hard to let it be easy?”
Why is it so hard to let it be easy.
I was going to write about a million other things today. I was going to write about relationships and personal progress and yammer yammer yammer, but the real crux of everything I have been thinking and dwelling on since returning home from Puerto Rico is my absolute ingrained inability to allow things in my life to be easy and flow naturally. I try so hard to have faith in the universe and allow things to unfold as they ought to, but when it really comes down to it most of my life experience comes from my persistent desire to reinvent the wheel, causing conflict where there is none, and testing the boundaries both of myself and others.
About a year and a half ago I got my tarot cards read (yes I do firmly believe in such matters), and the woman said to me, “You have suffered enough. It is time for things to start going right for you, and I really believe that from now on things will be much easier.” I was crying at the time because I was heart broken and lost, but I remember hearing that and kind of laughing, as if nothing was every going to just be easy. But the fact of the matter was then and still is now, that just being things aren’t easy, DOES NOT mean that I need to go out of my way and make them more and more complicated just because I am bored or vulnerable or pre-patterned to survive that way.
So as I’m sitting here, I am meditating on the reality of my week. I have been irrational. I have been vulnerable. I have allowed my anxious-fear-patterns to get the best of me. Even continuing to say that promotes further discord in my ability to function in the world today. So, right now, I am striking the phrase (much beloved) “transitional anxiety” from my repertoire and replacing it with the phrase “I move fluidly and happily from one exciting adventure to the next. I am safe and I have nothing to fear, because everything I need is right around me, at my fingertips.”
What long standing belief do you need to eradicate today to make your life a little better? I’d be curious to know.. xx.
Painting by Wendelin Glatzel