On Letting Go: The Toxic History Edition

June 23, 2011

We all have it at one point in our lives – the grimy, cruddy, shame build up. The corrosion of anger and resentment. The little bits of loathing for parts of ourselves and others, that we just can’t quite seem to scrape off.

We all have moments in our own personal histories that we would rather just forget ever happened to us, but that we remind ourselves of all too often.

We have those moments where we didn’t quite respond as sweetly as we wish we did, or as graciously. Those moments where we are churning with jealousy deep down in our toes, and our inner-monsters are screaming atrocious things like: Why HER?! What the heck? Am I freaking chop liver? I toil and I toil and NO ONE even notices how hard I’m working.

Oh yes, I’ve been there.

I have tied myself up in knots thinking about the coulda-shoulda-woulda’s in my life, reliving moments where I fell down flat on my face or spilled coffee all over my shirt before a meeting or when my heart was horribly and irreparably broken.  I have wished people all the ill will that I could possibly muster, scrunching my face up in anger, and cursing everything they hold dear.

I have been the girl who is up at 4 AM “examining” facebook messages for secret meanings, and anticipating the end of my relationships.

And all that time that I was all angry and scrunched up and tortured inside, I learned two things:

  1. You’ve got to meet yourself where you’re at. You aren’t going to be perfect. Sometimes, you’re going to fall flat on your face, and sometimes you’re going to have all of your best intentions trampled on. But you never know who is going to find your authenticity refreshing and wonderful.
  2. By holding on to all that toxicity and hurt and anger, you’re only hurting yourself. At the end of the day, you are going home to yourself. You are climbing into bed with yourself, and it’s going to be YOUR thoughts that you have to contend with. Trust me when I tell you – you are SO fabulous and you deserve the best possible life you can imagine. Why would you want to ruin your own wonderful day by drowning yourself in negativity?

I just love that.