I have a confession: I’m having a really hard time feeling like part of the healthy living blogging community. I have another confession: I am prone to dramatic and absurd fears. The problem is: I don’t diet. I eat healthy approximately 65% of the time. The other 35% – ice cream sundaes and french fries. I am not skinny. I’m not really trying to become skinnier, though I do know that I am currently a little above my usual weight, and thus feel slugish and sort of frumpy. All. The. Time. I exercise, but not as much as I probably should. I feel much much better than I do, but I’m a very busy girl and I’m finding it difficult to fit it into my daily schedule.
This week Katy Widrick wrote a great post about cliques forming (or not forming as the case may be) with in the healthy living community. I loved that post. And it’s not even that I feel like there is a clique forming without me, or that I’m left out, it’s that I’m just not sure where I fit within the spectrum of healthy living, because it is possible that my definition of healthy living is different.
Or not? I’m not sure. I believe that healthy diet and exercise are crucial to living a healthy, happy, and well balanced life. It’s just that I’m recovering from a lifetime of being obsessed with the repeated attempts to implement such routines into my life, so that I could lose weight and start the life of my dreams. Then, one day, I woke up and realized how much of my life I was wasting waiting until I was something better. Now: I try to eat healthily, but I don’t drive myself crazy. I try to work out, but only to make myself happier and healthier, and not to melt pounds off my body.
I am not perfect.
I am overweight.
I eat the “wrong” foods – all the time.
I don’t track my workouts, because they are infrequent and often not planned.
These things are true about me.
Last week, during the #fitblog chat, one of the questions was about what gadgets you use to track your workouts, and there was talk of everything from iPhone apps, to garmins, to excel spreadsheets, and it was all I could do to keep the rising anxiety from bubbling over into a full fledged panic attack. All of these awesome girls who I love and admire, USE EXCEL SPREADSHEETS TO DOCUMENT THEIR WORKOUTS?! And all I could think was: I’m a poseur. I don’t deserve to be here. I am not providing a healthy role model. I don’t like to photograph my food, or publically display my weight highs and lows, or work out routines. I’m not a weight loss blog.
When I posted not-so-long ago about What if: I stopped comparing myself to others? I was in part thinking already about my place within the healthy living community, which I don’t find clique-y, but I do notice some similarities between the blogs and bloggers. Often, they are thin, or working to become thin. They eat healthy things like chia seeds for breakfast. They are mostly straight, often married. They are literally phenomenal, and the personal feats that they accomplish often leaves me astonished and clicking previous posts for more information. I want to see their before and after photos. I want them to be my role models.
You see, this exact tailspin of an anxiety attack was a major pattern for me in my disorder eating/thinking/existing days. I used to spend all of my time reading things for inspiration, filling myself up with before and after photos, success stories, and each and every time I would be vowing to myself how much better I was going to be. How much healthier my eating would become. How much harder I would work out.
I am at a weight high right now, and am finding myself heavier than I have been since high school. This is part in due to the fact that I am working really hard to unwind the lifetime of lies and tricks and false promises that supported my false self. I am working to live the life of my dreams NOW without weightloss or bodily perfection. I am working to love myself at this weight – even when I feel out of bounds, scared, slow, and unwieldly. And I tell you: I am terrified. This process is like walking through the fire, because once you tell yourself to trust your own instincts and not restrict there is a period of time where you are like a little kid grabbing at everything sweet and fried that isn’t nailed down. But you just have to keep walking with your head up and your heart in the right place, because if not you have the potential to get burned up by all of your fears, anxieties, and deep seated neurosis.
I am not a perfect girl, and this is not a perfect blog. I am a regular girl, who is happy most of the time, committed to loving herself no matter what, and recording it all here – the good, the bad – as honestly as I am able. This is also what being a Body Image Warrior means to me – persevering to love yourself against all odds, even when it’s really, really difficult, because you want your body/heart/mind to know that you are worth all of the love and trust and support that you can muster.
What do you think?
I would really love to know, xoxox.