Often when women come to work with me they are hungry for connection, for community.
In our first session together, they describe a common feeling and fear :: I want to belong. I want to find my people. I want to know myself better. I want to feel safe to be who I really am. I want to know that who I am is lovable, worthy.
These are women that are spectacular.
They have huge hearts. They are uniquely creative. They are beautiful – inside and out.
But they are lonely.
They are unable to see themselves as they truly are.
They will say, I want to find people who are like me, and when I ask them what those people look like, they describe circles of friendship with women who are generous, powerful, intelligent and loving.
But, they don’t associate themselves with those women or those beautiful qualities.
In order to align ourselves with the people who are like us, we must first acknowledge and welcome those parts of ourselves.
Leaning into our undeserving has the effect of putting walls up between us and the people that we are hoping to befriend.
It severs us from our communities.
We dim our shine in order to not be seen as arrogant or selfish, and yet, selfishly, we are hiding the best parts of ourselves from the world.
We tuck ourselves away, because we fear the sting of rejection.
Yet, we reject our true natures without giving it a second thought.
For many years, I was lonely.
I had a huge heart. I was creative. I was beautiful.
But, I was lost deep in my undeserving. I moved about in the world finding evidence for my lack at every turn – because it was evidence of my lack that I was looking for.
Every perceived rejection. Every moment where I wasn’t seen for who I was, inside.
This evidence fed my belief that I had to protect myself by being something that I wasn’t, so that people could like me. And, so, I attracted people who were like that fake version of myself because like attracts like.
In my heart, I knew that I had more to offer the world.
In my heart, I knew that I was playing small. I was pretending. I was scared my brilliant radiance.
I told myself, no one likes the girl who talks to much. Or, the girl who is too passionate.
The truth was, I didn’t like that girl.
I told myself that being a part of a group meant sacrificing my true nature. It meant playing nice and shutting up. It meant forfeiting my values and dumbing down my ideas.
Like attracts like.
I was lonely and I had it all backwards.
You already have one friend who is exactly like the group you are longing for – in your heart, in your head.
Digging deep and acknowledging your true nature is what beckons your right people to you.
Your people may not be easy to find, but that does not mean there is something wrong with you.
You may have to travel. You may have to experiment with something new. You may have to hold onto faith in your heart, even when it takes time to find them.
Your tribe reflects your best qualities back to you. It loves you for who you really are.
But, first, you must love yourself for who you are.
Your human, messy moments.
Your gorgeous and generous spirit.
The moment when you fall down the stairs or spill coffee on your shirt.
The moment when tears are streaming down your face, and you need to be reminded of who you are.
Your big heart.
Your face covered in acne.
The moment when you have your heart spectacularly broken.
The realization that you’ve never truly let anyone in.