The Dance of Comparison

June 12, 2013

I know that feeling – tight chest, eyes brimming. The wondering, as you begin to become more and more nervous.

The wondering.

Scanning the Facebook pictures.

Re-reading the website.

Watching. Wondering.

When silently, you are telling yourself: She has it easier than me. She’s got it all figured out. She’s better. She’s more worthy. 

And then the subsequent anger, tearing “her” down – whoever she is. Picking away at all of her faults. Noticing her typos.

The ego, attempting to right itself. 

shut, shut up, i am dreaming of places where lovers have wings

I woke up this morning thinking about comparison and I had to reach out to you.

I woke up in that tight, grabby energy – energy grounded in my own lack. I woke up certain that I wasn’t ________ enough. That no matter how hard I tried there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

This is familiar territory for me, as I feel certain that it is for you.

For much of my life, I swung like a pendulum between brimming eyes, wanting and tight fists, justifying. I was deeply hungry for a life that I thought wasn’t available to me. I longed for freedom and beauty. I longed to hold things in my hands, and know that they wouldn’t be taken away from me.

Lately, this energy only shows up when I am on the brink of something new. When, as if born out of my fear and discomfort stretching my boundaries, it rises up to convince me that everyone is going to laugh and I should really just be more like _______.

It boils up out of my ether to keep me firmly in my place. Distracting me by the familiar game of who is better than who and what does that mean about me.

The truth? Just like you, I am already good. I am already enough. I am ready. 

And yet, the tether to perfectionism threatens to chain me here, steady in my belief that nothing truly great is possible, and that people like me should just stick to what they’re good at. 

For today, I am simply noticing that old feeling is dancing around the periphery, taunting me.

For today, I am sending love my own way and reminding myself to be very gentle.

For today, I will do only this:  Focus on what I am doing. Let that be enough. 

I invite you to join me.

 {photo credit}