The Fat = "Friend" Relegation

August 03, 2010

Or: Being Sexy When You Don’t Fit The “Ideal” Beauty Standards

Either title will do – because the idea is exactly the same. Lets ask a couple of questions shall we?

  1. Do you feel like men/women/yourdesiredsexpartner look at you like a friend instead of potential mate because of your size?
  2. Do you feel like you are too fat to _______?  [wear sexy lingerie, high heels, tight dresses, make-up, have sex recklessly and wildly, find healthy relationships, be taken seriously etc. etc. etc.]
  3. When you look in the mirror, do you see a sexy, vibrant, desirable person?
  4. Do you have a number in your mind, as your “sexy” weight? As in – I will be sexy when I am ____?
  5. Do you feel like only certain people catch the attention of others?

Well. You’re not alone.

As a culture, we are inundated with what a sexy man/woman looks like, conjuring images of lean, tan bodies, perfectly coifed hair, gleaming white teeth, sculpted muscles, and perfectly dressed. I know that for myself, it is very difficult to break the image that I have in my head of what an attractive woman should look like – and even more difficult to break the habit of thinking of myself negatively because I will likely never look like that myself.

For many years during my adolescence, I was certain that this relegated me directly into the “friend” category in the minds of prospective suitors. Like a good fat girl, I had a sparkling personality, was the best friend a friend could have, made myself useful. I was understanding, sweet, helpful, and wonderful.

I was a good friend, but I was convinced, that I would only ever be a friend in anyone’s mind.

And more importantly – I thought I was the only one who suffered from this problem. I thought I was the ONLY one who felt this way, the ONLY one that no one wanted to date, the ONLY one that no one wanted to hold hands with in the sunshine on the quad.

So I hid my body beneath layers and layers of clothing, baggy pants, oversized sweaters. Sometimes, on special occasions, like a dance, I would try to dress up just like the other girls. But even then, I was always the outsider in the giggling mass of girls getting ready for the dance, because, I couldn’t share clothing with the other girls.

So what a person do? How can you connect with your inner hottie and become the most desirable person in the room?

  • Believe in yourself. That is the absolute most basic and simple and REAL piece of advice anyone can give you. If thoughts become things, than you can will yourself sexy, merely by believing that you already are.
  • What’s that? Don’t believe it? Couldn’t-possibly-in-a-million-years-believe-it? Fake it. Fake it, fake it, fake it. Fake it when you walk into a room and feel nervous – stand up straight, hold up your chin, look people in the eye, smile, laugh loudly, speak with poise and conviction.
  • Find out what turns you on. You will be turned on by whatever makes you feel sexy. Lacy underwear.  White hanes t-shirts. Lipstick. Dramatic hairstyles. High heels. Combat boots. Suits. Decadent desserts. Whatever it is, get in the habit of doing it and do it frequently.  If you feel sexy – other people will think that you’re sexy.
  • Do things that are out of character for you. They will provide you with confidence and likely entertain your inner hottie. Make out with strangers. Dance all night by yourself, fully aware that people are watching, order a drink that conjures images of old-fashioned movie stars dripping with appeal, confidence, and authenticity.
  • Do your very best to squelch the negative voice that echoes in your head, telling you that you’ll never be good enough, no one will ever find you attractive, no one will ever love you publicly, you aren’t good enough. And hear this – You are attractive. You are good enough. And many, many, many people will find you drop dead, unbelievably, can barely stand in your presence for fear of melting into a puddle sexy.

Really, I’m just so very excited for you – everything is happening! All you have to do is train your heart to believe it.