Tough Love: Taking A Hard Look in the Mirror

January 05, 2011

Now, as a body image blogger, and a human being, this week is always almost unbearable. Believe me, I love the promise of a fresh start just as much as the next girl. I love the new year. I love making plans and lists, and I love feeling like I’ve been granted a fresh start.

What I do not like are the traumatic stress flashbacks to every single new years of my youth wherein I begged and pleaded with my body to please please let this be the year, please just GET skinny. I do not miss the this year I will lose 50 pounds goals or ultimatums or deadlines. I do not miss how badly I felt when it suddenly was the end of the year, and I still hated my body.

So this year, instead of just reverting to my typical anti-resolution stance, I have opted instead for a clinical assessment of 2010, a revamping of my goals and plans, and I intend to do all of that with serious sweetness and love for myself – because I am worth it.

the facts:

  • in 2010 I got into five grad schools. I crossed my fingers and jumped at the school that logistically made the most sense, and allowed me to see my sweetheart with more regularity. In doing this, I made a serious commitment: to her, to myself, to my future. I just finished my first semester, got my ass HANDED TO ME, literally – it has been the most difficult and most exhilarating experience of my life.
  • travelled to Vieques, Puerto Rico and worked as a pizza girl for the winter, blogged from my iPhone, lived out of a shockingly small suitcase, and I did not die, become broke, or get swept out to sea. Lesson: living on the edge, without much of a plan does not have to be scary.
  • I got engaged. I mean, like really engaged. Like, you call up your Catholic Italian-American Great Grandmother and say “Guess what?!” aaaand that was really terrifying. That said, it was the right thing to do. ┬áSometimes, being queer, still pretty terrifying when outside of my little bubble – but I put my brave face on and it is so, so worth it. Also, I brought Cookie to my family’s christmas party. In Jersey. Enough said.
  • I moved to Cambridge, and into my very first apartment. I have a roommate, who is fantastic. I am still obsessing about whether or not it is ok to put holes in the walls.
  • My anxiety has been hitting record levels. I panic approximately 70% of the day. I take deep breaths, because intellectually, I know I am safe.
  • My eating habits this year have been exceedingly lackluster. I have been moving too quickly, and I have NOT been putting my body and health first.
  • This blog has reached more people than I could have EVER, EVER imagined. I had a goal of having 500 subscribers by 2011 – today I have 547. Last year at this time, I had 43. I LOVE YOU. This blog is going to so well, that I have decided to kick it up a notch and apply for some really hard to get but fabulously compelling eating disorder placements for my second year placement as a social work student. I am terrified, but I am going for it.
  • My body feels old. Seriously old. Too old for a 25 year old. I chalk this up to – not enough consistent exercise, eating things that I can carry in my hand while running to my next appointment, too much coffee, not enough sleep (laptop IN bed, such a no no), not seeing a doctor in *ahem* several years, and not paying attention to my body’s needs and wants.

Deep breath. Ok. And now, the 2011 list.

In 2011, I will:

  • travel to Boulder to visit my little sister.
  • begin (AND complete) Couch to 5k. It has been such a dream of mine, for as such a long time.
  • take deep breaths. always. also, find a therapist – it’s time.
  • become a morning person.
  • release my memoir as an ebook right here, for all of you – if you like kick ass stories about where it all began, the middle where it hurt really badly and I was reckless, and the end where I came out amazingly, relatively unscathed.
  • plan my wedding. on a budget. and it’s going to be so beautiful.
  • eat gluten free. again – it’s time. you. are. allergic. get. with. the. program.
  • stop taking anything to help me sleep at night. allow my body to get into a natural rhythm. stop when i’m tired.
  • make a doctor’s appointment – get it all squared away, in one fell swoop.
  • get all A’s next semester.
  • apply AND get the placement of my dreams for next year.
  • love myself, to the absolute best of my abilities, and be sweet to myself because we all need a break sometimes – and the world is not going to end if you aren’t perfect or if you just want to take a nap.
  • Medicinal Marzipan makeover – WATCH OUT.

How do you guys feel about resolutions? Good? Bad? What exciting things have you resolved to do in 2011??