and how those reminders impacted the rest of my life.
So last night I was sitting at dinner, merrily celebrating my sweetheart’s birthday, and I was thinking about the promise that I made her as one of her birthday presents: a week without fighting and discord. And I suddenly felt several emotions simultaneously. First, I was feeling embarrassed about my neediness/insecurity/penchant for fighting, and the fact that we even needed to come to an agreement like this. Shouldn’t every week be free of discord and fighting? But somehow it seemed doubly important that I curb my tongue and bide the week out.
And then I remembered two days prior when I had fought her, for no reason whatsoever. But today had been perfect, and that’s what mattered.
During my brief Weight Watchers stint, I found myself continually comforted by the fact that each day your points start anew, and no matter how many times you just threw in the towel, the minute the sun came up again your point counter reset itself and you were forgiven with a fresh start.
I am often plagued by residual guilt. By nature I cling to argument and conflict, swirling deep in the drama while I sleep, and the first thought I have upon waking is the desire to keep processing whatever I had put down the night before. I have a hard time giving myself a new beginning. When I was in Puerto Rico this winter I would sometimes wake up hysterical feeling guilty about the things that I had done in my life that didn’t live up to my own rules of moral conduct. C would wake up confused and comfort me and tell me that we could start over together because everyone makes mistakes and that I needed to just let go.
But I have a very hard time letting go.
So I was sitting at dinner last night, chastising myself for having been less than perfect on this one and only one week that I promised not to fight or pettily argue. And there was a voice in my head reminding me that it was ok, because each day was a new day and this one had been successful. And it’s funny because that wasn’t a lesson I ever remembered learning. But suddenly I was so glad that I had, everyone deserves to be cut a little slack from time to time, because we are all doing the best that we can.