What IF: I Manifested A Healthy Relationship?

September 01, 2010

Two years ago I was reckless.

I was busying myself with running around and making out with everyone that I set my eyes on. I was moving too quickly, forgetting to eat, and abusing my body with lack of sleep and constant motion. I went dancing every night. I got myself to a place where I didn’t care whether or not someone liked me back because I was too busy moving on to the next person I could find to waste some time with.

But, in the quiet moments, when I was home alone with the dust settling around me, I was busy writing lists of what my ideal mate looked like. I wrote excessively long lists, with detailed descriptions, and elaborate requirements for what my ideal relationship looked like.

I wrote without censoring, allowing myself to imagine what a relationship could look like, even if I had never experienced it before.

I wrote all of these dreams down and I tucked them away, rereading them before I fell asleep at night, allowing them to worm their way into my heart and subconscious.

Then one day, when I least expected it, I was provided with the answers to my elaborate list making. I found myself in the midst of a relationship that had characteristics unlike any that I’d ever experienced – a relationship that defied my every understanding of what relationships looked like. I found myself madly in love with someone who loved me back, for exactly who I am. I found a relationship devoid of everyday drama, passionate yelling and screaming. I found a relationships where the commitment was so inherent, the labels that were attached to it mattered little in comparison to the love that I felt mirrored back to me.

And, for the first time in my life, I let down all of my defenses.

I let someone in.

And I am so very grateful.

Happy two year anniversary C. I am so overwhelmingly grateful to have found you, you have made my life so much better, every single day. Thank you for finding me, and making me yours.

Thank you for asking me to marry you.

Thank you for allowing me to say yes again, every day, both with my words and my actions.