What IF: I Put One Foot In Front Of The Other?

August 25, 2010

Today, I am moving to Boston.

I will tell you – I am  scared.

So today, instead of allowing myself to stew in my fears, I’m going to participate in a little project wherein I just lay all of my fears out there, thereby getting them out of my head and my heart so that I can move forward.

I remember a year ago – I was just starting to look at grad schools and start the long application process. I remember feeling inadequate and unworthy, and that I was just throwing myself out on a limb only to fall and burn. I thought that I was setting myself up for disaster.

Back then, MM was a teensy tinsy blog that no one, besides some of my sweet friends, read.

And I would sit and write down everything I loved and was scared of, and each and every time, say a prayer that someday someone would care about what I had to say.

Then, slowly but surely, I got into all those programs that I applied to. I was astonished. I chose the program that made the most sense and fit my lifestyle (and relationship). I paid the deposit. I told everyone I was going. I even signed a lease on an apartment.

But I never really believed that I was going.

There is a clear pattern in my life for how I tend to deal with things that give me major anxiety – usually events that circulate around humongous change. I tend to first talk about them a lot, as if each time I say out loud, “I’m going to grad school in the fall,” it becomes a little bit more real, and I feel a little bit more courageous.

But in the days leading up to my departure, I always  seem to kind of just black out. I put one foot in front of the other. I cross things off my to do lists. I pack up my belongings. I do everything as if I am on autopilot, neither excited nor frightened about the massive life change I am embarking on.

This pattern has allowed me the ability to overcome some truly amazing odds and accomplish all sorts of feats.

Before, when I allowed myself to become bogged down with insecurity and anxiety, my ability to move forward was entirely crippled. I allowed my fear to get the best of me, pinning me to the floor, and securing me there. But now, it’s not that I’ve come to embrace change, I’m definitely not the type of, “How EXCITING! An adventure! I wonder what’s going to happen next?!” kind of girl.

I don’t particularly care for adventure.

But this is a relatively exciting time for me. I am moving to a city for the first time in my life. I have my first real apartment (that C and I haven’t moved into together). I am starting a program that will allow me to pursue all of the things that I am really passionate about, and hopefully allow my to support myself (and my hypothetical family) in the future.

Also, this blog is doing just wonderfully. Seriously. And for that, I really have to thank all of you. You show up, you read the things that I write, and you provide me with love and support on a routine basis.

And I am very grateful.