What IF: I Started Making Sex a Priority?

July 14, 2010

I am a busy girl. I am busy moving and shaking and making insane ideas become real, maniacally tweeting between slinging pizzas, pouring wine, giving tours, and spilling chowder in my Danskos. I’m so busy that I’m often working double and triple shifts, leaving my feet feeling like bloody stumps and my brain absolutely fried. I say things like, can I get y’all something to drink to start you off in my sleep.

Got it?

Now, I’m so busy that more often than I’d like to admit, things like entertaining real life conversations with my amazing friends, seeing my family, shaving my legs, and doing my laundry sort of get brushed aside. I’m not proud of it. In fact I hate it, I hate that I say, I’m sorry I’m totally beat, maybe tomorrow every single day.

But the thing that I hate the most? The fact that I routinely put having sex on the back burner.

As someone who has had experiences of sexual trauma, it can sometimes take moving mountains to get me into the mood, and I often have a hard time switching gears from work to play, choosing instead to stick in work mode because it’s what gets me through the day. If I’m in work mode, I have a hard time being touched. Also, if I’m experiencing a bout of low self esteem, I have a hard time being touched. Generally speaking, I force myself through my momentary nervousness in order to get myself to the other side where I’m having a good time and feel comfortable in my skin.

But it’s starting to be a problem.

Now, I remember when I wasn’t in a relationship and long spells would pass where I just didn’t feel like becoming involved with anyone or anything or I felt like I had exhausted all my viable options or I was just plain bored. But, when you’re in a relationship things are different. First there is pressure. There are the: Why aren’t we having sex? What if he/she doesn’t think that I’m attractive anymore? Shouldn’t I want to be having more sex? Is there something wrong with me? Is my relationship doomed? questions. Talk about a low self esteem pot hole. Somehow it feels worse if there is someone right there to have sex with all the time if you wanted to and you are choosing not to.

The reality is: we do not feel sexy all the time. Period. That is ok.

But I consider myself to be a sexual person by nature. I pretty much consider orgasming to be a basic human right. But there are occasions where you just seem to fall out of sync, and then you really have to grab the proverbial bull by the horns to get your relationship back on track.

Reasons why you should have sex as frequently as possible:

  1. FIRST and FOREMOST – it feels good! It is an amazing and important release of energy.
  2. Having sex helps you to feel at home in your skin. I truly believe that sexual energy and positive attention and intimacy can repair a damaged body image. Conversely – when I wait too long to have sex or put it on the back burner for weeks at a time, I feel disconnected, awkward, and badly about my body, not exactly making me feel like jumping in the sack.
  3. It cultivates intimacy and closeness with your partner, allowing you to feel loved and sexy, things that sometime you I need a little reminder of. It can repair the disconnect in your relationship if you or your partner are working a ton or have been a little distant lately.
  4. Not having sex very often makes it more difficult to embark on. It makes it feel more like an event that you have to prepare for, rather than a natural part of your everyday [or everyweek] existence. Lets face it, planning is not-so-sexy, spontaneously throwing your partner against the wall in a fit of passion is much more exciting. When sex is an event, it requires planning and time and a spot in your calendar – these things do not make me feel like banging, but if you just making having sex on a whim part of your lifestyle, you can relieve some of the stress about the how/when/where aspects.
  5. It relieves stress. This should probably be number one in terms of importance, especially if you are the type of person that cares a lot of stress around all the time.

So my what if wednesday post question this week is: what if I make having sex a priority? As in, make it as important to me as writing blog posts, showing up for work, or sleeping. So, this week: I will view sex as an energy builder not an energy drainer. I will have spontaneous sex on a whim and I will not feel any sort of stress or regret or need to plan. I will feel like my body IS sexy and worth loving. I will allow myself to be touched and feel safe and good. I will take the time to reconnect.

What about you? Have you ever felt this way? What are your tips/tricks for getting out of a sexual rut?