How often have you had this thought:
I will be worth celebrating, when…
For the majority of my life, celebration was riddled with qualifiers. I believed firmly that I would only be worthy all of the revelry and fun that I could imagine for myself if, and only if, I met my levels of expectation.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that as I got older, and smarter, these levels of expectation grew with me.
I wanted more from myself and from my life, and I was waiting until this “more” arrived before I would live my “real” life. As in, the life that was waiting for me once I could just figure out how to lose weight, find a job that I loved, locate someone to love me unconditionally…
I never met those levels of expectations, and yet, I created new and improved versions of ideal self on a daily basis:
When my hair was shiny and tamed. When my business was off the ground. When I had gotten a PhD. When I had a baby. When I was able to complete marathon. When I had a flock of friends around me.
Meanwhile, I was allowing this ever-mounting ideal self to keep me static, paralyzed in my own lackluster story of being undeserving and imperfect.
One day, I realized that I was really fucking sick of waiting for my life to start.
I was tired of waiting until I felt like I deserved to have earth-shattering sex or a bank account filled up with cash. I wanted to start engaging with my life, immediately. I wanted to enjoy living my life instead of allowing the days, months, and years pass me by.
I was bored with sitting on the sidelines.
The real truth of the matter is that you can begin right this second. Before you’re ready. Before you’ve reached an acceptable level of deserving. Before you own a home or marry your soul mate or become someone to be proud of.
I remember that when I was thinking about starting my own business, I was filled with fear.
Isn’t this cutting to the front of the line? What about the years that I’m supposed to put in, working my way diligently up the ladder? Can it really be so easy, believing that I can just start today?
I mucked about in this mindset for a while, mired down in my own preconceived notions about what success was and who deserved to be successful. I told myself that I had to put in my time, pay my dues, and work things on a timeline.
That was diet mentality. Restriction mentality. Undeserving mentality.
That was my fear of my own intuition – fear of being powerful and thoughtful and soul-driven. That was my fear around being told, by some nameless, voiceless entity that I was asking for more than I deserved.
It was a continuation of my belief that I deserved to suffer, because I wasn’t perfect.
Here’s the reality check: You will never be perfect. There will never be a magic time, a time when all of your ducks are in a row and doors are opening left and right.
The magic time is now. Right this second.
You are ready now – even if you don’t feel ready. You have been preparing your whole life for this, and trust me when I tell you:
you have suffered enough.
Instead, start a new chapter of your life today. Make the commitment to yourself and to your tampered-down spirit that you are going to take the time, today, to start living your life. Do the things that light you up when you think about them – the things that scare you just a little bit and set you off spinning, wondering if you deserve them.
Believe that you deserve to live a magnificent life.
Not next week. Not next year. Not when you’ve gotten your business off the ground, your memoir written, or your relationship mended.
Celebrate the process of becoming who you already are – minute by minute – by allowing yourself the glorious gift of being an active participant in your own life.